I'M ASKING YOU, SERGEANT, WHERE'S MINE?
(Billy Connolly)

I'm lying in bed. I'm in room 26,
And I'm thinking of things that I've done,
Like drinking with squaddies and bulling my boots,
And counting the medals I've won.
These hospital walls are all drab-looking joints,
But the ceiling's as much as I've seen.
It could do with a wee touch of paper and paint,
But then again maybe that's mean.

Oh, sergeant, is this the adventure you meant
When I put my name down on the line?
Oh, your talk of computers and sunshine and skis,
Well, I'm asking you, sergeant, “Where's mine?”

I've a brother in Partick wi long curly hair.
When I joined up he said I was daft.
He said shooting strangers just was nae his game.
That brother of mine is nae saft.
But I can put up with most things I've done in my time.
I can even put up with the pains.
But what do you do wi a gun in your hand
When you're facing a hundred odd wains?

Oh, sergeant is this the adventure you meant,
When I put my name down on the line?
Oh, your talk of computers and sunshine and skis,
I'm asking you, sergeant, “Where's mine?”
I'm asking you, sergeant, “Where's mine?”