Dateline Brussels, Friday 8, 2002

A spokesperson for the European Commission today promised international cooperation in the Fight Against Bhorranism. President Mario Proddy has set up a special Corr- dinating committee whose aim is to root out this pernicious conspiracy wherever it has taken root. Special attention will be paid to so-called Irish Pubs which have appeared in many cities across Europe. In these places, in the seedy backstreets of Brussels, Paris and Amsterdam, passing under unremarkable names - "Kitty O'Shea's", "Michael Molloy's", the "James Joyce" and others, impressionable young people have been secretly indoctrinated and trained in percussionism of the vilest kind. Simple-minded Europeans have been taken in, given their instruments and sent out across the globe to terrorise polite society. For the leaders of this conspiracy, Proddy has what he calls a simple message. "We will track them down. They can run, but they can't hide. God is on our side", he noted.