News has reached us that Malachy Kearns, leader of the dissident New Real Provisional Continuity Bodhrán Liberation Army (Roundstone Branch) has been "battered into submission", by members of a rival bodhránii faction.

A statement by the Real New Provisional Continuity Bodhrán Liberation Army (Walton's Branch) confirmed that the "battering into submission" (a euphemism for a gangland-style execution) was carried out in the interests of a "...just and lasting settlement for all percussionists in the Island of Ireland."

Police are said to suspect a certain large gentleman of Italian extraction ...