THE LILY OF THE NET
Words: Almeda "Granny" Smith
Music: THE LILY OF THE WEST

When first I cruised the Internet,
Some pleasure there to find,
A damsel there from AOL,
Was pleasing to my mind,
Her polished prose, her flashing wit,
I never will forget,
And the name she bore was Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

So I accessed her Web page,
My heart's delight to see,
And there I spied a dazzling girl,
A-smilin' up at me,
Her rosy cheeks, her ruby lips,
They do torment me yet.
I fell in love with Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

And when I got my courage up,
I called her on the phone,
She turned the television down,
And said she was alone,
Her voice was so melodious,
I broke out in a sweat.
I scarce could speak to Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

For nine long months we e-mailed,
Till we resolved to meet,
In San Francisco in a pub,
Way out on Geary Street,
I used my frequent flyer miles,
I swore I'd ne'er regret,
My plan to meet my Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

For courting of this fair maid,
I greatly did prepare,
I bought a suit and got a trim,
Of my remaining hair.
My mother oft had said to me,
"What you see is what you get!"
And what I saw was Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

She wore a purple leisure suit,
All stained with coffee grounds,
Her hair was bleached, her skin was grey,
She weighed two hundred pounds,
Between her flaccid lips she held,
A hand-rolled cigarette.
Was this my lovely Flora,
The Lily of the Net?

And when she saw my stricken face,
A sigh escaped her breast,
She took my trembling hand in hers,
And tearfully confessed,
That picture was her daughter,
A twelve-year old nymphet.
I was betrayed by Flora,
The Lily of the Net.

Come all you ramblin' gamblin' men,
Who lurk both night and day,
Don't trust no gal from AOL,
Whatever she may say,
I'd rather have my fantasies,
I wish I'd never met,
That false deceiving Flora,
The Lily of the Net.