Back about 10 years ago, I helped a friend compose a newspaper ad for the personals section. She showed it to two of her friends (they were in the 'forty something' age-bracket, and quite attractive) and it was decided that I had a 'knack' for this kind of thing.

The end result was that I was privy to information about dozens (it seemed like hundreds) of dates that each of them went on, as a result of these ads. At first it was kind of fun, but after a short while it was simply mindboggling (and not in a good sense). To begin with, the VAST majority of the letters that each received went straight into the trash bin without a second reading. Why? Incoherent, laughably bad spelling, written on LINED PAPER!, obvious attempts to cover up a 'married status', and most apparent...the vast majority had NOT READ or at least understood what the lady's ad had said about herself. I swear on my mother's grave, that one of the best written letters contained a photo of a guy with a fag dangling from his mouth....and the ad had had specified "Non smoker"!

The real capper was that almost ninety percent of the guys answered ALL three women's ads...although the 'requirements' stated in each couldn't have been more different.

The few dates they did go on, were for the most part disastrous, embarassing and occasionally downright funny...and these were from the "creme de la creme" of letters. In retrospect it's strikes me that the missing ingredient was simply "social skills"...those little voices inside your head that say "Don't go there, it's RUDE", or "Would YOU like to be treated this way"?

It may have just been nervousness, but one of the women was amazed at how many of the men immediately wanted to tell their life's history....almost in monologue form. She felt that if someone is so bereft of friendly casual conversation skills (on a first date) imagine how 'heavy' the REST of the dates would be.

For what it's worth, one of the women DID find a compatible partner this way (you've met them Peter) and thinks the whole process was a hoot. To the best of my knowledge the other two are still VERY single, and I know their opinions of the 'available guy' pool are not terribly high.

It's the kind of thing I'm fascinated by, and I think one of the problems is simply WHERE we have our first encounters. Going out on a date is simply an un-natural act for humans beyond the age of...say...23, and by the time you're in your forties and fifties, it's so un-natural that Jerry Falwell would probably find it illegal.

Let's say you're meeting the person for the first time (or close to it) at some restaurant. You're both nervous, and you fall back on what you know best. (maybe it's astrology...or your childhood...or your opinions on Gun control, abortion, religion, or other pleasant non-confrontational topics) Strikes me that having met and known the person from some previous MUTUAL-INTEREST situation, ie: a club, a regular group that frequents the same bar, pub quiz league, excursion group...whatever,...makes the 'date' feel more like a continuation of that other activity, although with arguably higher stakes. At least you can chat about stuff that you've both already experienced before...and the other people that you both know.

I had a (blind)"Date from Hell" once that I knew was going nowhere after 10 minutes, but I stuck it out through sheer lack of guts to terminate it in the restaurant. We hadn't even ordered the main course when I knew there would be absolutely NO future between myself and someone who announced her expressed hatred of cats! The fact that she also declared her vegetarianism, penchant for jogging, weight lifting, and admiration for conservative politics, would eventually have been hard to deal with, but I sat there like an idiot going 'uhuh, uhuh, uhuh..' when I was thinking, 'lady, I can't STAND you, and in a few hours it's gonna be MUTUAL'!

I know I didn't answer your question Peter (just saving you from telling me) but it's a RICH topic....you'll get some answers all right!

Cheers

Rick