more tales from the litterbox brings you the continuing saga of 'Paw and Cletus or....

"AS THE TIPLE TURNS...a serial from "THE EDGE OF SANITY"

Well much has happened to Cletus and 'Paw, so let's get started. Following the institutionalization of Cletus at the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, 'Paw was so overcome that he spent days wandering the waste water plant mumbling about pants pressers. During this time, Cletus was being de-toxed from his hamsterdance addiction by playing tapes of Enya interspersed with a collection of witty remarks by Strom Thurmond. Knowing thru Katlaughing that the Young Center is a CIA front and training center for CIA world takeover through the use of crazed tiple bands instead of killing squads, you would expect the treatment to be effective and state of the art. Indeed it was, as Cletus was rehearsing with his own tiple band within a week. They were sent to Washington DC to embarass and discredit Libby Dole by making Bob Dole an embarassment to her. The idea was for this crazed tiple band to play the Oscar Mayer Wiener ditty within earshot of Bob and it would cure his Erectile Dysfunction but leave him screaming through Rock Creek Park, in his flapping boxers, shouting,"I got WOOD! It's a WOODY!!" This plan did not come to fruition as at the last moment, fate reared it's head.

Cletus found a place for the band to rehearse for a last time before making a tiple assault on Bob Dole. It was a gardenlike setting in the midst of hundreds of rosebushes which, even dormant, Cletus had always loved. They reminded him of his 5 former wives, all of whom had died in exactly the same way. It seems there lungs had been filled with Sevin dust while using the same defective sprayer. Oddly enough, all of them had recently taken out life insurance with Cletus as the sole beneficiary. After the death of the first, the local sheriff immediately suspected Cletus, but when it came to light that the insurance was for only $500.00, he decided that even ol' Clete wasn't that stupid. Of course, he was new in town then and didn't really KNOW Cletus. With each wife's death, he became more suspicious, but in every case the cheapo life insurance turned him away from Clete. Yeah, it's true, the sheriff ain't exactly J.Edgar Hoover...'course he doesn't cross dress either. But to continue our story, the band began rehearsing the Oscar Mayer tune. They didn't know they were in the Rose Garden of the White House. Even worse, with a mildness to the weather, several windows had been left open a crack to let in the spring breeze.

Inside the Oval office, Bill Clinton, now without both Hilary and Monica was meeting with a few top advisors and close friends and discussing world affairs. Maybe it was the springtime air or maybe the nerve jangling sound of a crazed tiple band...maybe it was both. Suddenly Wild Bill began to hold himself and revert to his Arkansas dialect. Pacing about he shouted, "Shee-yet! Suhbitch I jes' gotta' far offn' a biggun'." An aide trying to restore the conversation said something about Yugoslavia to which Bill responded, "Not only Yes, but Hail Yes!!! I gotta' shooter 'ats 'bout to EX-plode. Yugoslavia, Schmugoslavia, I got some blastin' tuh do!! Fuckin'-A right Bubba!" Hence once again a bungled CIA operation led to changes in history that may not have occured otherwise. The band was immediately sent back to the Young Center in Montana. For most of the way they were secreted away in the trunk of a car belonging to a Joe somebody who left the DC area last weekend heading west.

Meanwhile, Paw's pacing had been halted by the appearance of three strangers, somewhat goofy looking guys who had stopped here to inquire about Paw's whereabouts. I sent them on down to the wastewater plant and they immediately struck some kind of chord within Paw. This was unusual since they were what Paw always refers to as "Furriners." They introduced themselves as Rick Fielding's brothers...Reg, Reg, and Reg. Turns out that they'd been hoping to strike a deal with Paw and Cletus to combine for a North and South operation to fleece the unsuspecting of their goods. Paw and Cletus through deer hunting "accidents" and Reg, Reg and Reg through ice fishing "slips." Paw must have thought this was what their previously failed business needed and off they went to retrieve Cletus from the Young Center. It was my fear then that these dimbulbs would become CIA recruits for a crazed tiple band and I put out an alert for all points west to watch out for them. Now here I shoulda' known better. I hesitate to call them a band of half-wits since between them they have less than half a wit. Anyway, this half-wit band left town without a word to anyone. You'd think the sun or the roadsigns would have clued them in, but they were actually heading east. I guess they were just walking along and planning how to spend their future riches. They were passing through Wheaton, Maryland, just outside of Washington, DC, when they asked for directions at the home of a guy named Bill carrying an autoharp. This guy seemed to be appalled at the sight of these four and not only told them that Montana was 2000 miles the other way, but what usually happened to assholes like them 300 years ago...and to get the hell off his property NOW!!!

So west they headed and of course they were tryin to lay blame on each other. Reg said it was Paw at fault, but Reg said it wasn't and then Reg said just to leave Paw out of it, but Paw says to Reg that he didn't know either and Reg says that Reg is an idiot and Reg says that Reg is an idiot and Paw says that Reg is right but Reg says Paw is full of it and Reg says that Reg............Well I guess this kinda' thing went on to about Frederick. At that point they all suggested that the others didn't have the sense to pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel. Whereupon they all sat down on a railroad track and took their boots off only to discover that NONE of them had instructions. This lightened things up and they began to talk about the best way to pour piss out of a boot. So they decided to try out their ideas and they all stood up and began whizzing into their boots. Their aim was helped by the illumination from the headlight of a Norfolk-Southern freight bearing down upon them. It was then that a local TV news van happened upon this scene of four guys pissing in their boots with a fast freight coming at them and began filming the spectacle. Also a police car arrived and the officer screamed for them to move, which thankfully they did...but their boots were carried off by the diesel. They were placed under arrest for indecent exposure and criminal stupidity. I got a call from the police and figured since they had no money and no boots I could go pick them up before they did anymore harm to themselves. But the TV station paid their bail and bought them each a new pair of boots and sent them on their way. The TV people figured they were in for several major awards with the footage they'd shot so money for bail and boots was a pittance.

They're still headed for Montana folks, but they could be in Texas, Florida, Michigan, or Maine. Keep an eye out for them I implore you. Call me if you spot them. I'll keep you all posted.

catspaw