thanks for listening...it's been a tough night here (not meaning bad) and not the first time I've been thankful that Mudcats is "open" all night.
Hollowfox....thanks for making it a "music" thread!bg
ok....last "history" post and then I'm gonna make breakfast..fill my coffee mug...and try to convince my Lilac bushes that they want to move before the Bulldozer comes.
I'm not sure why the compulsion to write all this now really...but "Farther Along we'll understand why".
My partner died 7 yrs. ago.....doesn't seem possible that it could be that many years ago..but it is.
I don't have a kazillion personal friends...but the few I do have are solid...same ones that helped me stand up after my brother died. They took turns making sure I didn't quit...sitting with me...just being there.....when they knew I was alone.
I don't remember a word anyone said initially...but DO remember how important it was to have a close friend JUST BE THERE...breathing. AND when I needed, they helped me wipe my tears and allowed me to talk about life and death this time, and broken dreams, and being too tired to start over again.
They helped me get through the initial shock...and after a few weeks, on those days when I wanted to give up.... they reminded me of how much the 8 yr. old needed my help...and how important I was to them ...and him.
I didn't learn until a couple years later that they had also kept tabs on what I was eating and drinking, and how many hours I slept daily...(or not).
The horses went to a friend's farm in Vermont, and the business equipment went to a variety of places.
Still numb inside, and not sleeping well anyway, I began picking up every assignment I could get....and worked three jobs for a couple of years.
There's much to be said, I think, for throwing oneself into work or something...anything...because sometimes life's events can be so devastating, it's impossible to comprehend it all at once...if ever.
I learned a lot through grief counseling, and why I was taking so long to "get better"....and to be kinder to myself....and to be more patient with the good-day/ bad-day; two steps forward, three steps back; ups and downs involved in grieving.
And I had to learn HOW to ask for help when I needed it..because I had been a "giver" all of my life. I'm still struggling to learn how to receive more graciously.
I cut down my work hours and continued working with the 8 yr. old....who was by then,11yrs. old. We had a very balanced relationship......he taught me every bit as much as I taught him....and somehow the challenge of working with him kept me alive inside.
One day, out of the blue, I received a phone call asking me to come work in a home that had four brain-injured adult women. I already knew that the boy I worked with was gonna be fine..and that my job there was done. His medical needs are ongoing...but stabilized.
During the three years I worked with him, he had been successfully mainstreamed in school, and we had corrected the erroneous labels he had been tagged with by "the system" and its misdiagnoses. I was just "hiding" in a safe place by then with him. He still had some problems, but had learned to "use his words" and his mother and he had ALL the tools they needed to survive the politics of the system.
So, we carefully "weaned" ...gradually...with his nurse's help.......ostensibly him...but honestly me....the dependency.
I was working with the four women when I found Mudcats.
I'm giving myself permission to feel sad for a bit this morning, and then I'm closing the chapter I've just written about...and turning the page. The negative parts are going in the dumpster with the house.....and the positive parts I'm keeping. Thanks again for listening.