GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, [S]He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:


1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________


2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pack]

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pack]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all

    creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ Shit was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?
If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Amon Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Elvis

__ A burning shrub

__ Psychiatry

__ Other: ________________


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.

__ Diamond Approach

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Osho

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Krishnamurti

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ George W Bush

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ Amway

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ John de Roiter

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals

__ Bill Heffernan

__ Human sacrifice

__ Ramtha

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Gurdjieff

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Barney Fife

__ Other:_____________________

__ None


7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle only one below:

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know.

e. What's Divine Intervention?


8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever


9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and

addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine

personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in

His/Her behalf.

Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?


__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my

    own mortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring

    for my money



10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Please attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

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Spaw