The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #46650   Message #692787
Posted By: Dave Bryant
18-Apr-02 - 09:51 AM
Thread Name: Intros and heckles
Subject: RE: Intros and heckles
Some of my favourites are:

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

Stand over there - the wall's plastered too !

Don't try and heckle me, lad - I'm a pro - just like your mum was.

To a punter who kept whistling loudly at the end of songs (I assume because he liked them - but it got on my nerves) - If you're looking for your dog, I think I saw him on the motorway - try whistling in the fast lane.

Some years ago, when Cyril Tawney had a rather large beer gut, a member of the audience was heard to say, "If that belly was on a woman, I know what I'd say". Cyril retorted, "It was last night, what have you got to say then lad ?".

Finally, I heard a comedian relating how he was doing a gig in Norfolk and made several jokes about Bernard Matthews (a well-known Norfolk turkey breeder - for non-UK Catters). A rather drunk young man got up and objected, saying that he was Mr Matthews' son. "Sorry", said the comedian, "I thought he only stuffed turkeys !".