'She who must be obeyed' has never seen me without a moustache and every time I shave my beard off she goes mad.

The beard bothers me sometimes, because as the owner of a fine head of skin, I have noticed that most other follically challenged types grow beards as if to compensate for the lack of foliage on top.

The bit I don't get, is that I think nature is stepping in and trying to give me a boost by making my nose and ear hair grow at an alarming rate.

What's that all about? armpit, leg, and chest hair seems to be self-regulating and conducts itself in a perfectly well behaved fashion.

There's a book about beards which mentions one called a 'Billingsgate Ruffe'.

This is achieved by shaving the face, stopping at the chin line, so you end up with a hairy neck that gives the impression of a burst sofa.

One other thing, and I don't want to offend anyone, but don't you think beards without moustaches look a bit weird?

Having re-read the above, I have come to the conclusion that I have far too much time on my hands, and will apologise in advance.