1)A man walks into a bar in Ireland with a big plastic bag under his arm. THe bartender looks over at him and asks: "And just what've ye got under yer arm there lad?"

To which the man replies: "Six pounds of SEMTEX." (plastic explosive)

Prompting the response from the bartender of: "Thanks be to jaysus. . . I thought it might be a bodhrain."

2)Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A: The viola will burn longer.

3) (This one's sorta long) In a major orchestral choir, the members are gearing up for the big concert in about a month, when the conductor suddenly comes down with appendicitis. One of the baritones boldly steps forward and volunteers to lead the choir until such time as the director is well enough to return.

Well, the week of the big concert rolls around and the conductor is well just in time for the last three rehersals before the gig. As the baritone is no longer needed to lead the choir, he returns to his section. As he steps into place, the guy who stands next to him says: "Where the heck have you BEEN?"

(Okay, not that long)

4)Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and a sack of horse manure?

A: The sack.

5) A guy on the streets of boston is selling out of a cart with a sign up that says "BRAINS FOR TRANSPLANT" Intrigued, a man stops in and peruses the selection.

He sees the prices are varied:

Standard Brain: $1,000

Genius Brain: $15,000

Einstein's Brain: $100,000

Neitzsche's Brain: $150,000

Met. Tenor Brain: $1,000,000

Puzzled, the man asks: "What's a "Met Tenor Brain?"

To which the vendor replies: "Metropolitan Opera Tenor."

Incredulous, the man exclaims: "You mean I could buy Einstein's brain for $100,000 but for the brain of a common tenor I'd pay $1,000,000?!! Why so much?"

The vendor shrugs and replies: "Well, never been used."

(Ba-dum-bump, ching!)