"What a Marf" is a Harry Champion song. There ought to be a website devoted to him, but I haven't looked. Let us know if you find one! Chas & Dave may have recorded this, and Cosmotheka certainly have. There's a website somewhere with a lot of their songs printed out, but I'm damned if I can find it. Someone's sure to oblige.

"NINE-INCH NAILS" (if this is the one you want!) used to be performed by Martin Winsor and Redd Sullivan - and I mean performed! It's two songs stuck together. If I remember aright, they used to say they learned it off someone who didn't know anything about its origins. That makes fofive of us, 'cos the man I learned it from got it from them. Here are the words:

We don't not know no-one what don't want no nine inch nails!
We don't not know no-one what don't want no nine inch nails!
Do they go in? They don't 'alf!
Will they come out? They won't 'alf!
We know the King and we know the Queen
And we know the Prince of Wales, but
We don't not know no-one what don't want no nine-inch nails!

On Monday I never go to work;
On Tuesday I stays at 'ome;
On Wednesday I never feel inclined,
Work is the last thing on my mind;
On Thursday it's an 'oliday,
And Fridays I detest;
It's too late to make a start on Saturday,
And Sunday is a day of rest!

"A MOTHER'S LAMENT" was recorded by Cream - honest! It goes:

A mother was washing her baby one night,
The youngest of ten and a poor little mite.
The mother was poor, and the baby was thin;
It was only a skelington covered with skin!

The mother turned round for the soap off the rack.
She was only a moment, but when she turned back
Her baby was gone, and in anguish she cried,
"Oh where has my baby gone?"
The angels replied:

"Your baby has gone down the plug-hole,
Your baby has gone down th plug.
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin
He ought to've been washed in a jug!
Your aby is perfectly happy,
He won't need a bath any more.
He's mucking about with the angels above,
Not lost but gone before.

It also works just as well in other accents.

Steve