What is it with two wheels anyway? And why should they have a week to themselves? Neither type seems to bring out the best in those affected by their particular syndrome.

The motorised versions seem to develop a kind of alter ego in the meekest individual. Kind of like a really serious skin complaint with symptoms of helmets and black visors, gauntlets, and black leather and denim. I used to have similar problems in my younger day, but managed to take the cure... which came in the form of a car and several months in hospital...

The un-motorised variety of homo bi-radicus might even be worse. Together with the designer water bottle (and designer water) it seems to be the latest in the yuppie accessories game. From the streamlined helmet, mitts... and all that lycra... down to the funny shoes, which in extreme cases are actually bolted to the pedals! I just love to see them in their Look-at-me gear on the thirty-nine speed dayglo yellow mountain bike trying to dismount.

I think I'll stick to four wheels, like the good Lord intended.