Thon new bit o' singin' I've just done with Altan has re-invigorated me. I've just come up with a re-working of thon oul' favourite o' mine, "Arthur McBride", but I've changed it roun' till it refers to the big-assed bingo-caller from Lurgan.

Me and my cousin, one Mickey O'Loan
Met up in Cafolla's with the boul' Eamonn Holmes
A male in a café beats one made at home
At least that's the gist of the theory
We got a wee sate near the back of the place
The slabbers was drippin' aff Eamonn's oul face
The air it was thick with the sweet smell of gr'ase
And it made us feel pleasant and cheery

"What 're yez havin'?" the waitress then said
"Fish suppers all roun', love. An' slices o' bread.
An' big mugs o' tay." We're always well-fed,
An' daycent an' hale an' contented
Well, up came the grub, it was graisy as hell
Yer mawn near combusted when he caught a smell
Wi' heez knife and heez fork he was goin' pell-mell
Like an eatin' machine was invented!

Well he let out a rift when he'd cleaned heez oul' plate
He sez "Jayziz, boys, thon oul' feedin' wuz great.
I'm the mawn that is fon' o' a good drap o' mate
An' thon wuz far better than nothin'!
But nice as it wuz, I have to confess
That the size o' the portions don't suit me the best
For I have a stummick inside my oul' vest
That takes a right bit o' stuffin'"

So up came the waitress and Holmes, he said "Miss,
There's many's the boys who would ask for a kiss
But all I want aff you is a big lump o' fish
Deep-fried in the crispiest batter
And a big scoop o' chips, piled up in a moun'
An' I don't give a damn if the cost is ten poun's
For the money I'm earnin' would surely astoun'
So a note here or there disn't matter!"

So up then came seconds, and later came thirds
Sez Eamonn "Sure, Jayziz I ate like a bird
For they ate twice their weight every day, so I've heard"
And then it was back to the feedin'
For slabbers and gravy you'd scarce see his face
His oul' double chin was covered in gr'ase
He's the talk o' everyone in the place
A kick up the hole's what he's needin'

And then at the ice-cream when the suppers were done
Oysters an' nougats and 99 cones
The waitresses working themselves to the bone
To keep the boul' Eamon in rations
Pineapple minerals he drank by the score
And oul' sarsaparilla, raspberry and more
A gallon o' coffee when the 'ating was o'er
"Ah, Jayziz, boys, thon was fair smashin'!"

Then homeward he waddled till watch the TV
"I hope there's a programme on, featurin' me"
He thought as he sproghalled on his oul' settee
Which groaned cos oul' Eamonn was bulky
But all that was on was oul' Portydown Glo
And Paulin the poet, on the Late Review show
"There's damn all worth watchin'. To bed I will go."
Sez Eamonn all tearful and sulky ….