I've just come across this wee song on my travels. It's to the same tune as "Skibereen". I hope you like it, now!

Oh father dear, I often hear you slag off Eamonn Holmes
His awesome size, his wobbly thighs, his super-padded bones
They say he calls the bingo in a land beyond the sea
Oh why do you detest him so, the answer give to me

Oh son I loved oul' Eamonn Holmes, like a brother true of mine
We loved to drink and sport and play, but mostly loved to dine
Until a pretty female came between my frien' an' me
An' till this day, I cannot say the name of Kit Magee

(But you jist did, da!

Shut up, wud ye?!)

Kit was neat from head till feet and tidy as a pin
The day that I set eyes on her, her heart I tried to win
But she was fond of blubbery men and I am medium-sized
And to my friend she did extend the gift of her long thighs

Oh Eamonn, friend, do not offend me, do not coort with Kit
With my sad plea, he didn't agree and treated me like shit
Before my face, in Market Place, he kissed her up the wall
Sez I "You shite! If I could fight, I'd kick you in the balls."

But I was not a fightin' man and feeble was my frame
And Eamonn Holmes called me "skin'n'bones" and other hurtful names
But I resolved to nevermore be jowly Eamonn's friend
And on that day, I'm sad to say, our comradeship did end

Oh father dear the time the time will come when on vengeance we will call
And I will coort his son's main squeeze against the Peters' wall
I'll grow in size with big huge thighs, I'll pad out every bone
And loud and high I'll raise a cry "Revenge on Eamonn Holmes"