Sharon, I can't really add anything to what the others have said, but I can send a Second Hand Note from an emergency first responder..........

Mr. is a police officer, as many of you know, and he has been in this situation more than once. We live in a very small town, so if he doesn't actually know the deceased he knew of them. It never gets any easier and yes, the "jokes" are to cover up the pain. Some choose to joke, some to "macho it", some do sympathy, some never express anything. Those are the ones we worry about. Stuff like this builds up in first responders and if they can't/don't/won't get it out somehow, they won't last long.

It seems to me that the trouble with the ones who go the sympathetic route is that there is only so much sympathy to go around. Whizzy may disagree with me, I don't know, but I do think that you cannot care all the time about all the tragedies.........so you develop another outlet (hopefully!) for the tragedy in your own soul.

Speaking just for myself, I would much rather the EMT's, etc. joked and laughed over my remains than for one of them to go home and suicide because collecting "me" was the last straw...........it it has happened.

At the very least, you are an adult--think about what might have happened if the 10 year old paper boy had been the one to do all that you did..........Absolve yourself, Sharon. You did all that you could do.