The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #47827   Message #716792
Posted By: Jim Dixon
24-May-02 - 11:49 AM
Thread Name: Lyr Req: Titanic sort-of parody
Subject: Lyr Add: LEGEND OF THE U.S.S. TITANIC (J Brockett)
For a 1-page bio of Jaime Brockett (note spelling), click here.

The text has been linked-to several times in the Forum but the links have all gone dead.

Lyrics copied from
and edited a bit, mainly for punctuation and line breaks. By the way, the source wasn't clear about what part was spoken and what part was sung, so I have indented the part that I THINK was sung. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. --JD

(Jaime Brockett)

It was back around the turn of the centuries, back around nineteen hundred and thirteen. There was a Negro pugilist. His name was Jack Johnson. Now, old Jack Johnson he was the toughest man in the whole wide world. He used walk around whoppin' people upside the head 'n' makin' all sorts of money.

Like I say, ol' Jack Johnson he was a pugilist. He was a pugilist by preference and by profession and one day ol' Jack came walkin' on down by the pier-side. He's just walkin' on down. His manager come walkin' on down by the pier-side.

He says, "Uh, hi, Jack."

He says, "Hi, manager."

He says, "Whatcha doin'?"

He says, "I'm just walkin' on down by the pier-side."

He says, "What's up?"

He says, "I gotta gig for ya."

He says, "Ya gotta gig for me?"

He says, "That's right."

He says, "Where abouts?"

He says, "Over in England."

He says, "Hmm... what'm I gonna do over there?"

He says, "Well, you goin' up 'n' whop this guy upside the head 'n' make all sorts of money."

Ol' Jack says, "That's groovy, baby. That's really groovy. You give me a ticket on the next flight out."

He said, "Ticket on the next flight out?!? This is nineteen hundred 'n' thirteen. Why, the Wright brothers haven't even started foolin' around with Kitty Hawk yet."

He said, "Uhh... who's she?"

Ol' Jack says, "Well, how'm I gonna get there, baby?"

'N' he says, "Ohhh, I'm gonna show ya." And he whips open a newspaper 'n' shows him a picture of the USS Titanic.

Folks, she's the world's biggest ship. She's made outta good wood and good iron. They said she'd never go down.

He says, "You mean I'm goin' over on the boat?"

'N' he says, "That's right, baby. You're goin' on the boat."

'N' he says, "Well, let's go get some tickets." So they head on down to the ticket taker's place.

He walks on up to the ticket taker. He walks on in 'n' he says, "Hey, man, I wanna buy me some tickets."

He said, "Gotta red ticket, green ticket, yellow ticket, blue ticket. What kinda ticket you want?"

He says, "I wanna red one." He gave him some loot 'n' he laid it on him.

So here's ol' Jack. He's got his ticket now. He takes everything he owns. He wraps it on up in a diaper 'n' he hangs it on a stick over his back 'n' goes headin' on down by the pier-side.

He gettin' on down by the pier-side. His manager's down there by the pier-side 'n' here she is, folks, the USS Titanic! She's lined up beside two hundred 'n' fifty parkin' meters 'n' the Captain's gettin' done ready to split 'cause he run outta dimes.

Now around this time there was an Italian senator in the state house, 'n' all Italian senators done got brothers own construction companies, 'n' this one had a brother he owned a construction company, 'n' the Titanic she was made outta good Italian wood, good Italian iron. They said she'd never go down.

So there's ol' Jack standin' on the bottom, got everything he owns wrapped on up in that diaper hangin' on a stick over his back. He shakes hands with his manager, goes walkin' on up the gangplank. The Captain standin' on the top. He get up onto the top 'n' the Captain he look at the ticket. He look at the ticket. He look at Jack. He look at the ticket. He look at Jack. He look at the ticket. He look at Jack. He look at the ticket. He look at Jack. Lookita. He says, "Sorry, baby, wrong color."

He says, "Me or the ticket?"

'N' he says, "You."

So Jack says, "It's all right, baby. It's all right. I'm gonna sit right here on the pier and watch you go right on down."

So the Titanic she sails on out into the North Sea. She's out there, floatin' around in and out between the icebergs, 'n' ol' Jack's standin' on the pier. I'm gonna tell ya 'bout the people on the Titanic now.

First of all, there's a whole bunch of Jewish people from Miami. They're jumpin' up 'n' down. They're laughin'. They're drinkin' booze. They're tradin' wives 'n' Cadillacs 'n' diamonds 'n' havin' all sorts of good clean party fun.

Then there was the people that run the boat. Now the people that run the boat they know all about runnin' boats. They know all about hoistin' up landlubbers 'n' battenin' down hatches 'n' doin' all sorts of other good things like... all good sailors do in the far-away sea.

Then there was the Captain. Now the Captain he knows how to walk like a captain, write like a captain, walk like a captain, talk like a captain, smell like a captain, eat like a captain, do all sorts of captain things.

Then there was the First Mate. Now I gotta tell ya bout the First Mate. Now the First Mate, he don't know nothin' about Jewish parties. He don't know nothing about hoistin' up landlubbers. He don't know nothin' about captains. He, uh, he wants to go on over to England. He wants to play his guitar. He wanna run around 'n' chase women 'n' have all sorts of good... times.

Anyways this fella', his sideburns they're just a little too long. He giving way, see. He… he been down in Mexico. He been down in Mexico. He been workin' in this rope factory down in Mexico, now. Down in Mexico they make rope outta this funny little hemp plant that grows wild in the ground. Some of you people... grow it in flowerpots under your bed… eh? Anyways, he's down there and he's… he's makin' rope outta this funny marijuana plant... One day the rope factory she catch fire 'n' he runs back on in to save his lunch—he's got two sardine sandwiches—runnin' back on in to save his lunch he gets inside 'n' there's all this funny smoke floatin' around up inside 'n'... he gets some of this funny smoke up inside his head 'n'... he sit down in the middle o' de fire 'n' he say, "Shhhhhhhhhhhit baby, I ain't gonna make rope no more!"

So he takes everything he owns. He wraps it up on into a diaper and a knapsack too 'n' he… he headin' on to the Titanic. He gets to the Titanic. He standin' on the bottom walkin' on up the gang plank 'n' the Captain's standin' on the top 'n' the Captain says, "What you got, boy?"

He says, "I'm comin' on."

He says, "WHAT YOU GOT!"

He says, "Well, I got me two changes of BVD's. I got me my guitar. I got me my address book, a... pair of socks, four Masked Marvel comic books, a tennis racquet and four hundred 'n' ninety-seven 'n' a half feet o' rope."

He says, "Four hundred 'n' ninety-seven 'n' a half feet o' rope! Whadaya got that for?"

He says... "I just carry it."

So he says, "It's all right. Go on board. Go on board." And he did.

That brings us up to what's happenin' now. The Titanic she's floatin' around in and out between the icebergs. The Jewish people they partyin', they tradin' wives 'n' Cadillacs 'n' diamonds, they drinkin' booze 'n' havin' all sorts of party fun. Everybody else is hoistin' up landlubbers 'n' battenin' down hatches. The First Mate he's hangin' over the rail, he's havin' himself a little smoke.... He's diggin' the icebergs, havin' himself a little smoke 'n' it's the Captain's time to do his thing. The Captain comes on out. (Remember I told you about the Captain. He knows how to walk like captain, write like captain, talk like... all sorts of captain things.) He comes on out 'n' he's standin' now. His thing right now is that he's gotta go out 'n' test the wind. So he casts his nose up into the north wind 'n' he goes...

He walks on over to the First Mate. He says, "Hey, First Mate, what's that you smokin'?"

He says... "That ain't nothin' but a little ol' cigarette, Captain."

'N' he says, "I don't believe it. Gimme a puff."

'N' he says, "All right."

So the Captain takes himself a little puff. Nothin' happened right away.
He says, "It's all right. It's all right. It's just a cigarette. I'm goin' for a walk." And that's what he did, folks. He went for a walk. He went... he went out walkin' around the boat. He went walkin' toward the wheelhouse. He... he walked around.

He walked around the wheelhouse once.... He walked around the wheelhouse twice.... On the third time around the wheelhouse... the First Mate he looked on over at the Captain 'n'... 'n' he say... "You wanna 'nother toke, Captain?" And the Captain, he say... "RIGHT!"

So this time he's gonna tell the Captain a little bit about this smoke that he's smokin'. He says, "Now the idea, Captain, the idea is to get this smoke way down deep inside your tummy 'n' hold it there just as long as you can it'll make you head feel good all inside. So the Captain says all right. He takes himself three big tokes off that funny little brown weed 'n' he says, "I am commencing to hold it in!"

He walked around the wheelhouse. He went downstairs. He laid down. He get up. He ran in the other room. He sent a radiogram. He came on back in. He took a shower. He come out. He shaved. He laid down. He got up again. He turned on the television. He turned off the radio. He played a game of cribbage. He read his Masked Marvel comic book. He walked through the kitchen, made a cup of tea, made a cup of coffee, sat down, ate a piece of pie, went upstairs, played another game of cribbage, went back in, finished his other Masked Marvel comic book, laid down. He had the television, the radio, the eggbeater, the air conditioner 'n' everything's all goin' at once. He walks up on deck and this is fifty-two minutes later 'n' this cat ain't breathed yet!

So the First Mate see him standin' up there on the rail. He's all puffed up like a balloon! He says, "Ya gotta let it out, Captain!"

So the Captain he let it all out at once, fallin' right down on the wheelhouse floor. He's out cold.

O-h-h-h, this just brings us up to what's happenin' again folks. The Titanic she's sailin' around in between the icebergs. Everybody else is havin' parties. The Jewish people they jumpin' up 'n' down. They tradin' wives 'n' Cadillacs 'n' diamonds 'n' drinkin' booze. Everybody else is hoistin' up landlubbers, battenin' down hatches 'n' doin' sail things. The First Mate's hangin' over there on the rail havin' himself a little smoke 'n' diggin' icebergs. And the Captain's out cold on the wheelhouse floor.

All of a sudden... the Captain's eyes popped wide open. He stood right up straight... grabs ahold o' de wheel... looks on out at the bow o' dat boat 'n' he say, "I'M GONNA MOVE YOU, BABY!"

And he did right on into an iceberg 'n' she went right on down.

That's the true story of the Titanic, folks. She went right to the bottom. She took with her all the Jewish people, all the First Mates. She took with him the Captain. She took with him the landlubbers. She took with him the Masked Marvel comic books, the tennis racquet, and four hundred 'n' ninety-seven 'n' a half feet o' rope.

Meanwhile, back on the stateside, ol' Jack Johnson… why he's standin' up on the pier he's fishin' away. He's got himself a little stick 'n' a line 'n' he gets a tug. He pulls it on up 'n' it's a big wet blue soggy mess 'n' on the inside, on the lining, written in big gold letters it says, "USS Titanic" and stuck right above it was a wet roach.

That boy was so happy, he started doin' the eagle rock up 'n' down that pier like it's goin' outta style. He go... he gonna do the eagle rock. Now everybody in for the eagle rock. Oh rock!

[Recorded by Jaime Brockett on "Remember the Wind & The Rain," Capitol LP #678, 1969—where authorship is credited to "Brockett/Smither."]