Lyrics transcribed from the sound file at http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4264/juke03.htmLOADED PISTOL, LOADED DICE
(Johnny Lange and Hy Heath)
Performed by Phil Harris & His Orchestra
RCA Victor 20-2575-A[The verses are recited; the chorus is sung.]
Now, Trigger Jackson was a gamblin' cub who joined the Uptown Social Club
Where shootin' dice was ever'body's whim.
But ev'ry time he rolled the dice, he found them dice as cold as ice.
It seems they favored ever'one but him.
Then Trigger stopped the game and said, "I'm not the doubtin' kind,
Uh, but there's a slight suspicion that keeps runnin' th'ough my mind.
Somehow it don't seem nat'ral you make points with so much ease
While all I th'ow is boxcars and a flock o' twos an' threes.
An' fu'thermore I'm statin' I don't like the dice you use.
I notice one is all fives an' the other one is twos.
I'm familiar with the house rules. I know they're plainly writ.
But I'm gonna revise 'em and change 'em up a bit."CHO: Loaded pistol an' loaded dice.
Take my warnin' or pay the price,
'Cause it ain't healthy to try it twice.
Loaded pistol an' loaded dice."Now, just to make it plain so that you all'll understand,
This ain't no water pistol that I'm holdin' in my hand.
We gonna get some new dice down at the co'ner sto',
And then we gonna jerk that army blanket off the flo'.
Now, a word to you short rollers. Here's the thing I recommend:
Git distance with them dice when I'm on the fadin' end (?).
I hope the situation's clear to ever'one in this room,
And now, if we all is agreed, suppose that we resume." CHO.Now Trigger's luck was gettin' worse an' soon he had an empty purse.
He stooped an' turned his back upon the crowd.
He went down an' he shoot for ten. He shot the works an' lost again,
And then he rose and spoke in accents loud.
"Now, what I got to say is final. We ain' gonna put this to no vote.
There's somethin' in my craw and it's coming out a ... quote.
Now, when it comes yo' shot, make them iv'ries bounce about,
And I ask you very kindly, leave them tops and bottoms out.
Now jest let me hear 'em cackle. I wants to hear 'em moan an' shine.
And don't forget to shoot with only one pair at a time.
Now here's somethin' else I'm gonna tell you one and all:
Now when you throw them dice, make 'em bounce against the wall.
That's all for this evenin', but I want my dough I lost to you.
I want that eight bucks f'om my pocket and that ten bucks f'om m' shoe." CHO."And now that I'm about to go, brothers, I'm 'o' leave you with this advice:
You cain't beat a loaded pistol with a pair o' loaded dice."[The recording by Phil Harris has been reissued on "My Kind of Country," Pearl CD #7831, 1999. There is also a recording called "Loaded Pistol" by Gene Autry on "Singing Cowboy, Chapter One," Varese CD #5840, 1997.]