And then there is the immortal Steven Wright...

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...the other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.