A parody on "Nell Flaherty's Drake"

THE HOOKERS WHO BURGLED MYSELF AND THE BROTHER
I scarce venture forth for I live in the North
Where the snow it does fall and the ice it does form
I live with my brother, a son of my mother
We rest in our cabin and try to keep warm
Our age it is great, and in truth we're near bate
I fear before long we must enter the grave
So the brother he says, "'Fore the end of our days
It's time that we had us a bit of a rave."

Says he, "What I mean is something obscene
Let's phone up some strippers to put on a show
We'll have a quare laugh when these hussies strip aff
And if they offer extra we'll have a wee go"
Says I "Brother man, your lascivious plan
Is one whose attractions quite plainly appeal
Let's get on the blower and order two who-ers
Before the night's over we'll get a quare feel!"

The pair of us waitin', we were shakin' and swaytin'
And anticipatin' the beauteous charms
Of our long-legged hookers, firm-breasted good lookers
Though nervous the pair of us, yet we'd no qualms
And then came the rappin' at the door of our cabin
So I shuffled over to greet our two girls
And near fell in a hape, as my brother he gaped
In stunned admiration at such elegant pearls

Then off with the clothes and struck many's the pose
All naked and wanton, all shimmy all shake
And says I to my sibling "I'd love to be nibbling
The ripest of cherries atop Helga's cake!"
And so I suggested, the brother requested
Perhaps the young ladies might go all the way
They said "If you're able, and not too enfeebled"
Says I "Houl' yer whisht! I'm as fit as a flay!"

But conjugal pleasure soon took our measure
Unused to such passion we both fell asleep
And what then transpired, as we both retired
We could not prevent as we slumbered so deep
For those girls of the night (the dorty wee skites!)
They burgled and plundered, they hoaked and they robbed
And away the pair flew, leavin' us in a stew
Without between us a tanner or bob

May they meet a bad end, may their wounds never mend
May they catch every pox that is known to exist
May their skin start to flake and their molars to ache
May they burst out in blisters, in boils and in cysts
And - forbye gonorrhea - may they catch diaorrhea
(The famed outhouse gallop and lavatory trot)
So their damnable rings may smart and may sting
From the fiery affliction of oul' belly-rot

May they swell with the bloat, may the sides of their throat
Swell up till they think that they're goin' to choke
May they get the dry-heaves (or some other disease
That causes them often to retch and to boak)
May they suffer such pains that the bearin' of wains
May seem like a pleasure above any other
May they never know peace, may their torment not cease
The hookers who burgled myself and the brother!