A few weeks back there was a thread (which I now can't find) about how to sell your soul to the powers of evil.

Lest my fellow-Christians on this forum think I have defected to the other side, I quickly say that I haven't - it's occasionally tempting, but I can't see much of a future in it. But I did do some research on it for a song I'm writing, and found this -

http://www.dpjs.co.uk/sell.html

It's worth a look, because the dark tone of the preliminary instructions don't prepare you for the delight that follows. One typical quote from the associated ritual instructions:

"The celebrant should now throw himself to the floor, and with arms and legs flailing cry out: 'It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!'

"This should continue until the celebrant seems thoroughly purged. It is possible that tears will flow during this part of the rite. If so, give way to this emotion fully.

"By this time the celebrant should realize what a whiny asshole he has been. He should now stand and face the altar and take up his whip or scourge. Taking the scourge in his left hand he must whip himself 9 times. He should then turn to the south and say:

"Lord Satan. I've been an asshole. I will no longer be such a whiny bastard…"

How I long for this kind of humour in the Christian church. And my song is going to be much the better for it!!!

- Ian B (still on the side of the angels, honest!)