I hesitate to mention that as an editor, I've been on the receiving end of this stuff ('press kits' seems to be an American phrase, never heard in the UK) for decades.

An interesting difference here is that what is 'simplified' to an American eye is still over-long to a British one. It's just national styles - American newspapers and magazines contain far longer stories than British ones do.

However, the unfortunate fact is that what looks great when it leaves your desk is still one of a thousand when it gets on to the editor's desk. With the best will in the world, they/we just don't have time to read these things, so if you don't get them/us with the first paragraph, they/we won't bother with the second. However good the second is, we/they may never reach the third.

So, please - when you've got it as short as you possibly can... shorten it a bit more. And, contrary to popular opinion, please don't use many adjectives, and certainly no flowery ones. The more there are, the less we believe them!

All the best and good luck with it...

- Ian B