Well, I, too, was an Altar Boy. Actually, just for a day. But that's quite an achievement for a 12-year old boy raised as a Southern Baptist.

My friend Lenny was a bad influence. He smoked cigarettes, cursed like a sailor, stole things, and played dirty tricks on his playmates. He was also an Altarboy at St Clements Church in Kentucky. I stayed at his house one Saturday Night and was invited to go to Church with his family. Now, I had never even been in a Catholic Church, so I was a bit nervous about the type of rituals, idolatry and sacrifices I might be forced to witness. I was also a bit nervous about being behind the lines in the enemy camp. Imagine my shock when I was invited to join Lenny as Altar Boy! I was too stunned to say no. Surely they knew I was a heretic? Maybe it was a sly Catholic attempt at conversion? At any rate, I donned the holy vestments and joined Lenny behind the altar. The first thing we did was pass the plate. In my church, we literally passed a plate down the aisle, but the Catholics used an ornate brass covered dish on a long wooden handle, kind of like a holy popcorn popper.

We finished collection and took the proceeds back stage, where Lenny immediately appropriated some of the folding money. He offered me some, saying "nobody knows how much gets put in", but I figured if there was a sin that condemned you to hell, it was surely stealing from an offering plate. I couldn't believe Lenny, being a more or less professional Catholic Altar Boy, would have overlooked this. Our next chore was bringing the Holy Sacrament to the Priest for Communion. Incredibly, Lenny put his hand into the plate of Hosts and jammed a handful into his mouth, chasing it with a slug of the Blood of Christ. This I also refused, although he reassured me that it hadn't been blessed yet.

All in all, it was a good experience, and I was a bit sorry to doff my vestments, knowing that I would never again be able to put them on. I don't know if any Priest ever tried anything with Lenny, but I have a feeling he would have gotten busted in the chops if he did.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...