Hey, Bobert:

You sly fox! Here you had a great second verse and a focus to the whole song, and you didn't even mention it. Maybe it's just me, but I respond more to songs that are saying something from an individual perspective. There is a strong movement in gospel music now that the Mass Choirs and Praise and Worship Teams all follow. I am not moved by the songs (although others may well be, so I don't want to deny their worth.) They sound like the songwriter labored over the words for a couple of minutes. They often sound like a string of over-used phrases chosen because they can easily be made to rhyme. Take a second and write a verse:

Oh Lord, I love you so,
You've been so good to me
You've blessed my weary soul
And your love has set me freeBR>

That took about thirty seconds to think up and it's better than some of the stuff that I hear.

I think that Genie's verses are good.. they are reportorial rather than "preachy." Perhaps there is some way that you can ground those verses in a specific life. Or maybe you've got two songs going there. (I'm such an enormous help...) If you really want to write a song speaking out against the death penalty, maybe you need to make that your focus and choose lines that illuminate your feelings. Maybe you and Genie have complimentary songs in you. God knows, there are no limits to the way you can express yourself. Thinking about this, I think of Rev. Gary Davis's song Bad Company Brought Me Here.

Back when I was working and people came to me with ideas, I'd tell them that they had to ask two questions..."What do you want to accomplish?" and "Who is your audience?" For a songwriter, I'd modify that first question to be "What do you want to say?" If you haven't decided what you want to say, the song won't have a focus or perspective. Genie's verses seem to want to say that we all have choices and there is a price to pay when we don't follow the Lord. That price is not only paid by the person who has willfully committed a crime, but all those who love them. Everyone who loves a criminal is a victim of their crime.

So, Bobert, I think that you can put some of Genie's words into the mouth of a person sentenced to death. If you're writing about someone who is going to be executed, you need to get into their mind as much as you can emerse yourself... like Method Acting, for songwriting. When I first started writing songs, I wrote cowboy songs and escaped slave songs, and all the lines rhymed. But the song didn't say anything because I couldn't get inside the people I was writing about. Maybe that's what you need to do.

I think you can see from my comments why I never was able to collaborate in writing songs. Someone said to me once that they'd like to write songs with me, but I don't think I could do it. Genie seems to have more of a gift for that...

Jerry