Dear Trying -- Boy, I've really been there, done that. I was married to the wrong mate for 15 years, and had two kids. He's a great guy, now (14 years later) an important friend, but we were not going in the same direction, had very little in common aside from our kids. I went through several years of depression, struggling to make that marriage work for me. I got down to 100 lbs (I'm 5'6"), and was just generally a wreck. When I left, our kids were 11 (daughter) and 8 (son), now 26 and 23. I left them with their Dad, for a lot of reasons, some good ones, some just having to do with how weak I was at the time. Are they OK? Yes and no. They're wonderful, loving, richly rewarding people, and I have good relationships with both of them. It remains to be seen whether they can have successful marriages or long-term relationships. Neither of them has yet, but it's early for them. I gained the strength to leave from a relationship with a guy who had been in my life for a few years, but only as a friend. The day I found out that he was getting a divorce I left my ex. It was messy and badly done. The relationship I left for ended within weeks, and was nothing but a catalyst. I look back on the guy as an important influence but we never communicate at all anymore, whereas I'm on the phone with my ex every week. However, I never doubted that I needed to get out of my first marriage.

Regrets -- that my son never lived with me after the separation, except on summer vacations of a couple of weeks, and an occasional weekend, and it pains me that I didn't get to participate more in his everyday, growing up life. Nevertheless, he clearly takes after me and my side of the family in all kinds of ways. Both of my kids are now living overseas, and I miss them (see the "Empty Nest Blues" thread). My daughter lived with me during her very difficult, turbulent high school years and it was a rough time all around, but I don't regret it.

Nine years after I left my ex, I remarried. I'm very happily married now.

Good luck. It's tough. One thing that I thought was that I wanted to model for my kids that they could change things and create a happier life for themselves, and I have. I asked myself what I would want my daughter to do if she were as unhappy and I was. I would want her to leave.