Dear Mr. Guitar,

I am writing YOU as a last resort, in complete frustration at a difficulty I am having with a band member, because I suspect his guitar may be the problem. When I play oldtime gospel on my autoharp, you know, in chords, he plays chords on his guitar, too. But although we start out in tune together, his chords and my chords do not sound at ALL the same, even though we are looking at the same piece of music. I call my chords 1,4 and 5. He calls his "jazz progressions." I wrote to Mrs. Autoharp, but she advised that I:

>> kill him immediately, or
>> smash his guitar, and/or
>> smash his fingers repeatedly in his guitar case,

.... before the problem spreads to other band members' instruments, but this approach seems strangely harsh for a Gospel band leader.

Will it help if he buys a new guitar? Is there such a thing as a guitar pre-inoculated against jazz?

Please help soon. We are holding rehearsal up, waiting for your reply, and church is due to start soon.

Sincerely,

A. Tru Fokey