This from the gossip column of the Twillingsgate Herald on Wednesday, Sept 18, 2002, afternoon edition... DONNYBROOK AT VICAR'S INN

An altercation erupted unexpectedly last night at the Vicar's Inn, involving several well-known local gentlemen and a sheep farmer and his companions who were passing through Twillingsgate. The farmer, Mr. Arthur Jessop, is an enthusiast of wooden period ship models, and had heard that there was a fine one on display at the Inn. Accordingly, Mr. Jessop and his companions, two cousins (William Stroud and Peter Stroud), and a friend of the Jessop family, Mr."Skippy" Stanford De Vine (a machinist), stopped off at the Inn on their way through Twillingsgate and entered the main dining room.

Mr. Jessop describes what happened next.

"Well, we was (sic) lookin' around at all the fine furnishin's, what wif this was a very fine inn I might say, and right genteel it was, and I seen (sic) the ship up there on the mantle, and she was a beauty! The Justinian, she be, wot was in Nelson's fleet, and so I'm admiring the model when up steps this gentleman, wif a nasty and superior attitude, and 'e says to me' 'e says "Oak Leaf, I presume?" I fink that's wot 'e said..Oak Leaf..."

"Wot?" says I.

"I told you wot would 'appen if you showed your ugly face around 'ere," 'e says.

"Wot the bleedin' ............ are you on about?" says I.

"I'll show you what I'm on about, you stupid sod," says 'e and wif that 'e pops me one! Right in the chops. Well, I seen it comin', so 'e only 'alf caught me cheek, but down I goes anyway. I's up right quick and sees that Skippy's got 'im by the froat. Then three other toffs they jumps on Skippy and William, Peter and me we jumps on them and away she goes! It was a right nasty fight, I'm tellin' you, and I don't know where it might 'ave ended, but along comes the local constabulary and arrests the lot of us, and there it is. I do not intend to visit Twillingsgate again and I am going to sue that pretentious bugger and 'is lunatic friends for damages. 'E ought to be incarcerated!"

Well, dear readers, all of Twillingsgate is agog at the news, since the gentleman who started the brouhaha is none other than Winston Wellington-Jones, well known and eligible man about town, and a member in good standing of the boxing club, the polo club, and the golf club. Teddy Featherstone, Randolph Muggeridge, and George Clydesworth IIIrd were also involved in the scuffle, taking the side of Wellington-Jones, and they are likewise members of the aforementioned polo and golf clubs, but not the boxing club. All had been drinking and talking for several hours prior to the incident, but had not caused any disturbance until after Mr. Jessop and his companions entered the Inn.

Wellington-Jones has refused to comment on the incident except to say "There appears to have been a mistake made here. I have nothing more to say."

Now, it is well known that Mr. Wellington-Jones has been nursing a grievance against one "Oakley", a mysterious secret admirer of Twillingsgate's very own doppelganger of the young Audrey Hepburn, Ms. Penelope Rutledge. Ms. Rutledge seems to have caught the attention of this Oakley (presumably a psuedonym) while participating in an internet discussion forum.

Friends of Ms. Rutledge, who must remain nameless, claim that Oakley has fallen madly in love with her. Well, he wouldn't be the first, would he?

Miss J- "He's mad about her! He swears he is coming on a pilgrimage to Twillingsgate, and Winston has been manning the battlements, as it were, expecting his imminent arrival. It's all very exciting!"

Miss T- "I think Penelope is actually rather taken with Oakley, though she won't admit it. Of course, he is beneath her station, that is clear, but I believe she is curious at the very least!"

Miss H- "She was quite flushed after reading his last message on the computer! She says he is of no importance whatsoever to her, but I think it's quite the other way around!"

(The above initials in no way resemble the actual names of our informants, naturally...)

Our efforts to interview Ms. Rutledge have proven fruitless thus far, as she will not comment on the matter. Ms. Rutledge is of course well known to our readers as the living, breathing apotheoisis of good taste, morality, and all that is upright and proper... Yes, the very pride of Twillingsgate, needless to say. She is today hosting a meeting of local ladies in the Green Room at the library, seeking to raise funds for homeless dogs, cats, and canaries. Attendance is expected to be good, and we shall be there, dear readers, pen in hand, ready to report on any further revelations.

It looks like the autumn season in Twillingsgate just may be a little warmer than usual this year!

- Pruella Tattle, Twillingsgate Herald