Miss Q, can you please convey to Ms Penelope Rutledge the news that the small hairy farmer has spent three weeks reading the classics and has founded a string quartet whose speciality is Haydn's later, more turbulent works.

He has also bought an icebreaker of 8000 tons upon which he sits, dreaming of his one true love and has christened it the "Penelope R". He also writes endless love poems, although it has to be said that the last word of every line still, unfortunately rhymes with "Knickers".

God, how he yearns for a whiff of tartan, or to fondle the string that suspends the world's most erotic pair of half-moon bifocals.

Please don't refuse: Your role as go-between could just save his life.