There's a famous seaside place called Morecombe
As is noted for sweet F.A.
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom, went there with young Albert
And t'charra one day.

A right little pillock were young Albert
Ee were always in truble tha knows
Ee'd circle about and dismantle things
And brek em to see how it goes

Aye a right little wozzick was Albert
An onoxshus little pratt
Eed ad that many belts from 'is father
That the top of 'is 'ed were quite flat

Now they didn't think much of Morecombe
It were cold and everywhere were shut
Pa said for an August bank holiday
I think it's a bit bloody much!

And were booked in 'ere for the weekend
A'll go bloody mad in this dump
Look on t'bright side said mother
We could 'av been booked for a month!

Nowtboarding house where they were staying
Sunny sea view villas it were called
Front windows looked out on t'gasometer
Back windows ont' slaughter house wall

Landlandy had catered for Lucretia Borgia
She was so tight she counted the salt
The mice were picketing t'kitchen
The food were so bad cat were bald

On t'first night Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Left Albert in on his own
While they went for a fill in the pig and manic depressive
Free and easy with Fred on the paper and comb

Now Albert had read all t'magazines
Sunday Post, our own and what's yours?
So he went upstairs for a firtle
And peeked in t'dressing table drawers

What ee found there were quite a-mazing
Eed never seen one before
It were called Night rider and Albert
Thought Night rider it must be something you wore

'is dad ad a crash 'at on t'moped
'appen this were smaller in red
so ee took it out of the packet
and rolled it right over is 'ed

When the Ramsbottoms came back at closing time
Albert were nowhere about
'Appen ees in bed said Father
'appen we'll go upstairs 'appen and find out

Well they found Albert wandering round t'landing
Moaning and treading on t'cat
Ees a condom on 'is 'ed said father
And mother said ee fancy that!

It's suck on 'is 'ed said father
Ees rooled it right on down 'is neck
And 'is eyes look like boiled eggs in cling film
And mother said ee I am vexed

What for did you go and do that for
Your've gout yourself in a right mess
And all Albert said was m m m m
Mmn mmn mn zzzz

Ees going a funny colour said father
'appen ees going to die
If ee does I'll be vexed says mother
When I've just bought him that new suit and tie

We'll 'ave to make 'ole in it said father
Is voice is getting right week
It's a shame to waste a good condom
But we 've paid full board for him for t'week

So they cut a little 'ole in the condom
With the saw which they used on the bread
But tug as they wood it were no blooming good
It was stuck right over 'is ed

Firment 'ad to be sent for
I'm proper bloody blazing said dad
Next time poke a lion with a stick or summat
We can claim on t'insurance for that

Firement came and soon snipped it away
Pa gave'em a quid for their truble
But they were laughting so much they crashed the fire truck
And demolished the pig and manic depressive to rubble

Allswell that ends well said mother
That may well be father said
But it wash t'only one left and we're here for t'weekend
And the piggin chemist is shut!