When my father was diagnosed as having an inoperable cancer, and only months to live, I went 120 miles to be with my mother. Because she herself is disabled (and 70 on Saturday 19th), and we didn't know what was going to happen, I spent 3 days arranging everything - I arranged my father's funeral before he had even died. I put it all in place so that all she had to do was phone 3 numbers, the funeral service and the vicar with a funeral date, and the solicitor. It's the sort of thing my mother had to do when my brother died (his 46th birthday today, 16th), but she has degenerated considerably since then and isn't capable of doing that under stress again.

I found it helps me to be practical and go to pieces afterwards when I'm with people I trust not to fall apart with me. Mother found it helped her because having dealt with the death of her son, she couldn't do it again for her husband. She had time to sit and do the grieving widow bit (although truth be told, she took great delight in going through the things he'd forbidden her to look at all their married life, and bringing out things he'd hidden away because he didn't like them). Is your sister a practical person or a panicky person? If she's the practical sort, then she will probably feel better doing the practical stuff, but if you are there as a support, then all the better. If she is the panicky sort, then having a supporter who is maybe not so closely involved would be a blessing. Of course if you are both the panicky sorts or both the practical sorts, all manner of things could happen!

She has asked you to come, I would assume this means you have a good relationship? Use this as a chance to strengthen and bond that relationship. If you can rely on each other in a crisis, then you have one of the best friendships in the world.

Take care of yourself as well, and take time to grieve yourself. Brothers in law are a strange sort of relation.... either you hate them passionately, or love them dearly. There doesn't seem to be a halfway stage better than tolerance. All the same, what ever he was to you, he has been a part of your life, and of your sisters' life, as she is a part of yours. Make sure you do your own grieving. Don't think you must "be brave for her sake", because burying your own could become a habit, which only leads to resentment and expensive therapy.

Remember the happy times and keep telling yourself and your sister that IT IS OK TO LAUGH! Don't feel guilty about small pleasures, it's the biggest problem of all. You spent time in joy with this person, let them leave they way they lived.

LTS