Dear Mooman,

Some ill-mannered and vaguely insulting person has been impersonating me. I am your true SECRET SANTA, and I hope you will disregard the oafish remarks made above. Sir, I have perused the hints you provided to our dear benefactor, Ms. CatPiddle, er, CatPhizzle, well, you know who I mean. I will deliver unto you a gift specifically designed to fit both your tastes and your social station. However, I hasten to add that you would be unwise to unwrap said present in the presence of others, and absolutely do not wait to Christmas, it really must eat with 4 days of mailing. All the best...and ho ho ho and all that of course. Yours, Santa.