"How's the wife?"
"In bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

*
MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN
Words & music by Ed Gallagher & Al Shean
New York: Jack Mills, Inc., ©1922.

There are two funny men,
The best I've ever seen.
One is Mr. Gallagher; the other Mr. Shean.
When these two cronies meet,
It surely is a treat,
The things they say and the things they do,
And the funny way they greet.

1. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mister Gallagher!
Hello, what's on your mind this morning, Mr. Shean?
Everybody's making fun
Of the way our country's run,
All the papers say we'll soon live European.
Why, Mr. Shean! why, Mr. Shean!
On the day they took away our old canteen,
Cost of living went so high,
That it's cheaper now to die.
Positively, Mr. Gallagher!
Absolutely, Mr. Shean!

2. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
If you're a friend of mine, you'll lend me a couple of bucks.
I'm so broke and badly bent,
And I haven't got a cent,
I'm so clean you'd think that I was washed with Lux.
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
Do you mean to say you haven't got a bean?
On my word as I'm alive,
I intended touching you for five.
Oh, I thank you, Mr. Gallagher!
You are welcome, Mr. Shean!

3. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Once I think I saw you save a lady's life.
In a rowboat out to sea,
You were a hero then to me,
And I thought perhaps you've made this girl your wife!
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
As she sunk I dove down like a submarine!
Dragged her up upon the shore,
Now she's mine forever more!
Who, the lady, Mr. Gallagher?
No, the rowboat, Mr. Shean!

4. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
What's the name of that game they play on the links?
With a stick they knock the ball,
Where you can't find it at all,
Then the caddie walks around and thinks and thinks?
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
You don't even know a hazard from a green.
It's become a popular game,
And you don't even know its name.
Sure, it's croquet, Mr. Gallagher?
No, lawn tennis, Mr. Shean!