Red Skelton's tips for a happy marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in
Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster
and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets
and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car
was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two
days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I
too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of
divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with
marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I
don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"