This week's headlines from the Ironic Times front page:

BUSH ACHIEVES SAINTHOOD
Vatican counts election victory in 2000, current high approval rating as miracles.


WORLD NEWS
Study: Iraq War Could Kill 500,000
But will keep gas prices at reasonable levels.

Saddam Look-Alike Met With Bin Laden Sound-Alike in City Resembling Prague
Proof of linkage, says Cheney's double.

U. S. NEWS

Sperm Count Lower in Rural Areas
Finally some good news for Democrats.

Greenspan: Economy Will Be Fine
However, he asks to be paid in euros.

Analysts Say Conflict Inevitable
Most pick Defense Department over State Department in short, brutal war.

REMINDER
    History is written by the winners,
    and translated for the losers.

ENTERTAINMENT
Disney, AOL Time Warner Ready to Merge News Operations
"Donald and Daffy Duck Report" already in the planning stages.

HEALTH / MEDICINE
Slow Cooking the Key to Good Health, Study Finds
However benefits offset by stress from having to wait so damn long.

POLITICS
Rider to Homeland Security Bill Protects Pharmaceutical
Giants from Lawsuits
Will now be called the "Homeland Security and Drug Company Payback Act."

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