GENERAL COOTE

Bald General Coote that is my name,
A drinking man of noble fame
With bottle and glass quite unsurpassed
But I've landed in the drink at last.

I led my men with Courage bold
With Bullard's Strong and Adnam's Old
Napoleon brandy and Navy rum,
But now at last to the dregs I have come.

I sank them with Nelson as the rounds they flew
On the deck of the Victory he had a fair few
Some say 'twas blind courage that caused his downfall
Blind drunk is more like it as I recall.

I drank at the battle of Waterloo
A glorious victory for England, too
But my only fight in that country so far
Was the fight I had to get to the bar.

I fought for my country all at the Crimea
But the only crime 'ere was the price of the beer
The Light Brigade come all to grief
But we'd plenty of brown for our relief.

I was there when Lady Smith was relieved
When they brought her a drink a great sigh she did heave,
The pints of beer come rolling in
And General Gordon he ordered a gin.


But now my campaigns are all over I fear
My hand it do shake and my eye is not clear
And all on my stones these words you should fix
He died, dead drunk, aged twenty-six.

BORED OF THE DANCE

As I walked down to the village hall
I met Charlie leanin' on the wall
"Why are you standin' out here, Char-lee?"
"Cause I am bored of the dance!" said he!
Dance! Dance! Whatever do they see?
In prancin' round all the time, said he
I'll leave them all to do it without me
For I am bored of the dance, said he!

I come to the dance with my girl, he said
I told her that I'd rather go to bed,
Oh yes I'm sure you would, said she,
But first you'll come and dance with me!

She said, You'll come and dance right now!
But I weren't list'nin' when the caller told us how
They "cast left," but "right" I went
They danced on, but I ended in the "Gents'!"

I drank with the Morris-men, James and John,
They drank with me as the dance went on and on,
We drank and we drank till it all went black.
It's hard to dance when you're lyin' on your back!

Oh, how she danced on the night they were wed
She danced, he drank, and then they went to bed
I'm afraid there's no more story to be told
She was too hot, and he was out cold!


BRING US IN HOT TEA

Bring us in no rum, for that's a drink for sailors
But bring us in hot tea, for that will never fail us.
So bring us in hot tea, hot tea, and bring us in hot tea
That's what the blessed ladies make, so bring us in hot tea.

Bring us in no cider, for that will send us reeling
But bring us in hot tea, Earl Gray, Ceylon or Darjeeling.

Bring us in no white wine, for that don't cure no hot thirst
But bring us in hot tea, and be sure to warm the pot first.

Bring us in no snaps, for they are made with brandy
But bring us in hot tea, and a strainer would be handy.

Bring us in no gin, for that was mother's ruin
But bring us in hot tea, and put a lump or two in.

Bring us in no home brew, we're not inclined to risk it
But bring us in hot tea, oh, and all right, just one biscuit.

We'll drink no beer at Christmas, the good book tells the tale
But bring us in hot tea, for the angels said, "no ale."


DIDDLE 'EM DARBY

Well, Darby is me name, sir.
I've travelled the country round.
I never takes a penny
When I can take a pound, singin'
I diddled 'em, Darby,
I diddled 'em all.
I diddled 'em Darby,
I diddled 'em great and small.

Well, when I kept an inn, sir
I had a merry time.
I watered all the beer, sir
And likewise with the wine, singin'

For, beer, it makes you healthy
And water makes you hale.
I did them all a kindness
By serving Adam's ale, singin'

When I kept the shop, sir
I kept me message short.
I had to keep me customers
From eating more than they ought, singin'

I charged them double prices
And kept it in the tin.
For money's the root of evil and so
I saved them all from sin, singin'

Well once I rode a stagecoach
And never paid me fare.
I jumped down from the box, sir
When we was nearly there, singin'

The horses were so tired, sir
From pullin' their heavy load
I did them all a kindness
By jumping in the road, singin'

Well, now me song is ended
And every word is true,
And if you believe me
Then I've diddled you, singin'


DOGS WHAT I HAD GOT

Well one morning last autumn I was walking my dogs
When the Duke of Wellington we did meet.
Well Bonzo and Rover, they slobbered him all over,
While Dido nearly knocked him off his feet.
Well there was....
Dido, Fido, Bonzo and Rex
Rover and Lassie and Spot
There was Butch, there was Candy
There was Patch and there was Sandy
These were the dogs what I had got.

Well don't worry sir I said,
He won't hurt you that's just
His way of saying he like you a lot.
But he took my little dog, and he kicked him in the bog
And said that's my way of showing I do not.
There was.....

Now the next dog being old, he was a trifle deaf
He couldn't hear a single word I said.
And so when I told him sit, he made an awful mess.
When I cleaned it up I shot the bugger dead.
That still left....

Now the next dog being daft, and not all the ticket
He made straight away for the river.
And there he did jump in, but the bugger couldn't swim
That's the last we saw of him forever.
There was.....

They chased a rabbit o'er the plain,
but that chased 'em back again
Which put my poor old dogs in quite a stew.
Now it's just 12 months today
Since I heard the squire say
"I should have them all put down, if I was you."
There was.....


LIGHTWEIGHT DIRGE

Our master of old have now passed away.
At peace and at rest, we may all see him lay.
We've one consolation now we are unmastered.
Until his last breath, he was a real bastard.
Every man had a good word for he,
But will not repeat it in company.

His life it was long, which made ours seem longer.
When we feed him hemlock, that just made him stronger.
When we cut off his beard, and set fire to his stubble,
He untied out cottages, and reduced them to rubble.

He was fond of animals, especially of horses.
So we pulled the plough while he went to racecourses.
He also loved children and tried without cease,
By night and by day, to make their numbers increase.

On his common land, we had grazing rights.
But you don't get fat eating grass every night.
He gave us each year a long holiday.
That came in the winter without any pay.

Now he is gone, his life is complete.
We will place a large stone at his head and his feet.
These stones are all prepared, indeed, truth to tell,
That was them falling on him that sent him to hell.


FATTY GROVES

A holiday, a holiday, and all the people dozed
Lord Ormsby's wife went into the town, but everything was closed

She couldn't get no shopping done, and so she looked around
And there she saw big Fatty Groves a-lying on the ground

"Go home, go home, you Fatty Groves, you are a drunken lout;
Go home, go home, you Fatty Groves, you shouldn't be let out."

"Oh I can't go home, and I won't go home, and I can't go home for my life
For the ring off my finger I have lost, I'll be murdered by me wife

"Well if I am quite frank with you, your wife is not at home,
For she is in my husband's bed, and she is not alone.

So as I've nothing else to do - no really not a thing -
I might as well come back with you and help you find the ring."

A servant who was standing there, just why nobody knows,
He swore his cronies they should know before the pub was closed.

And when he come to the broad millstream he did not see the plank
And in his hurry to carry the news he fell on his belly and sank.

Big Fatty and Lord Ormsby's wife they hunted high and wide,
Till Fatty fell upon his bed and she fell by his side.

Big Fatty Groves he got up to go and wash his face,
When he returned Lady Ormsby's husband lay there in his place.

Saying "Well, I like your feather bed and well, I like your sheets,
And well, to be frank, I like your wife who lies in my arms asleep.

"Stay there, stay there," said Fatty Groves, "I shall not rant and curse
For you have got the better of me and I have got the worse."

"Stout fellow," said Lady Ormsby's husband, "Taken like a man."
But in then comes Mrs. Fatty Groves and in amazement stands.

Saying "How do you like my feather bed, and how do you like my sheet
And how do you like my curtains that I got in the sale last week?"

And then up spoke Mrs. Fatty Groves, never heard to speak so cheap,
"You told me you didn't like your wife, and now with her you sleep.

Lady Ormsby's husband he jumped up and ran right out the door,
"I didn't know it was her", he cried, and was never seen no more.

Fatty fainted clean away at the closeness of the call,
The ladies picked him up, and they leant him against the wall.

They leant him up against the wall, and that was a disaster,
For Fatty weighed full twenty stone and the wall just lathe and plaster.

The wall gave way and Fatty fell, oh Fatty fell outside,
And when he came to the broad pavement he fell on his head and he died.

"A grave, a grave," the ladies cried "To bury Fatty in,
But better you make it extra large, or you won't get him all in."

"Now isn't that just typical," these ladies they did say,
"The men can be relied upon to spoil a holiday."


THE FEMALE HIGHWAYMAN

It's of a female highwayman all on a summer's day
She said a frolic I will have and dress in man's array
And I'll ride out along the lea
And hope my true love I shall see
And there I'll test his constancy
With a female highwayman.
With a female highwayman
With a female highwayman
--last two lines of verse--

And so this female highwayman has mounted on a horse
And she's rode out and there she's met her own true love, of course
"Stand and deliver sir", she said,
"Or if you don't I'll shoot you dead
Or would you rather come to bed
With a female highwayman?"

So they jogged on together till they came unto an inn
And there they called an ostler and boldly they walked in
They called for liquors of the best,
They went upstairs and got undressed
What happened next can ne'er be guessed
To the female highwayman

For she's pulled off her breeches and likewise her jacket red
She's taken off her velvet cape and lay upon the bed.
Her true love in amazement stands
It seems the end of all his plans
For she has proved to be a man
This female highwayman.

Her true love stands like one amazed and at her did stare
But when the joke he did find out he loudly did declare:
"Fear not my love, it's time to smile"
He threw his clothes down in a pile
He was a female all the while
For the female highwayman


HOLLOW GROUND

Oh I bought my wife a bread knife,
hollow ground, hollow ground.
A stainless Sheffield bread knife,
hollow ground, hollow ground.
But my missus didn't like it,

bellowed loud, bellowed loud.
She said she wouldn't take it,
bellowed loud, bellowed loud.
I felt sure she'd change her mind,

mellow down, mellow down.
And would once again prove kind,
mellow down, mellow down.
But she called me a young fool,

callow clown, callow clown.
To buy such a stupid tool,
callow clown, callow clown.
Oh the bread we have's all sliced,

narrow rounds, narrow rounds.
So should I be in a trice in
narrow rounds, narrow rounds.
Well her first blow that did pink me,

shallow wound, shallow wound
But her second blow did sink me,
shallow wound, shallow wound.
And now my wife has killed me,

gallows bound, gallows bound.
With my own good steel she filled me,
gallows bound, gallows bound.
And soon I shall be buried,

fallow ground, fallow ground.
To my grave I shall be ferried,
fallow ground, fallow ground.

Oh I bought my wife a bread knife,
hollow ground, hollow ground.
A stainless Sheffield bread knife,
hollow ground, hollow ground.


THE LOSING OF THE WHALE

In eighteen hundred and forty-six
On March the fourteenth day,
I bought myself a calendar
For we were bound away.
We sailed from tacky guano
And followed the seabird's flight,
For we were hunting whales, me boys,
At least we thought we might.

We sailed for three long days and nights
But saw no whales at all.
The mate went up the mast to look
While our captain went up the wall.

We sailed for four more days and nights
And still we had no luck;
Till a whale come up for air, me boys
And the mate cried, "Thar she suck!"

The whale she lashed her tail, me boys,
One man on deck took a glancing blow;
But not so bad as our captain
For he was wounded down below.

Now the first to throw his harpoon out
Was Valparaiso Luke.
He hit her in the tail, me boys,
But they said that was a fluke.

Now we went in with our blubber hooks
And the whale sunk down below;
We caused her for to vomit, boys,
And the mate cried, "Thar she throw!"

Now we hauled that whale on deck, me boys,
Amid many hearty cries;
But that fish it was so huge, me boys,
That our vessel did capsize.

And our captain with remorse was filled
Likewise with water too;
"I'll no more hunt the whale," he cried,
"If that's the last thing I don't do!"

"I'll never more hunt that whale," he cried,
And what's more, he was right.
For the heavy seas bore down on him
And carried him from our sight.

And soon likewise we all were drowned
None lived to tell the tale;
Not one of us survived to tell
Of how we lost that whale.


OVERSTRAND

As I was a walkin' along the seaside
Along the shore at Overstrand
I met with a body washed up by the tide
Along the shore a long time ago

I took him to Southrepps, the place he was born
And straightway to Northrepps, the place he was known

I emptied his bowels and pulled out his feet
And garnished him over with parsley so sweet.

I pulled out his toenails and likewise his teeth
And sent them to Knapton wrapped up in a leaf

I poked out his eye with a rusty old nail
And emptied his giblets out into a pail

I cut off his legs and likewise his arms
And then I chopped off all his masculine charms

I pulled out his liver, his kidneys as well
Because he was dead, as best I could tell


RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE

As I walked out one June morning;
One June morning so early.
T'was there I spied a fair pretty maid,
Just as her skirt was a rising.
With me rhubarb pie,
On the fiddle I,
Right up the middle I go,

Her stockings white her skirt was tight,
Her suspenders shone like silver.
She had a dark and a rolling eye,
And another one quite similar.

How old are you my fair pretty maid,
How old are you my honey?
I know you sort was her retort,
And I'm not sixteen till Sunday.

Will you take a man my fair pretty maid,
Will you take a man my honey bright?
She answered me most cheerfully,
I dare not but my mummy might.

So I went down to her mummy's house,
Were a red light shone so clearly.
But the girl come down and she let me in,
And I laid in her arms till the morning.

Oh soldier will you marry me,
For I will have no one else.
Oh no said I that just cannot be,
For I'm not sixteen myself.


THE UNMADE MAID

A fair young maid of seventeen I am;,
And I have never once laid with a man.
But that's not through lack of trying,
And that is why I'm sighing.
And I'll tell you all about it if I can.
So I sing oh dear, oh how can it be,
I can't find a man that will satisfy me?

Young Roger looked so handsome I could weep,
With his hair of brown and eyes of blue so deep.
At the wake I got excited,
But my lust went unrequited.
On the way back from the wake he fell asleep.

On our farm a pretty ploughboy was employed,
I made a tryst that he could not avoid.
I took him to a shady wood,
But that did me no good,
For it was other pretty ploughboys he enjoyed.

An old friar showed an interest in me charms,
And I couldn't wait till I lay in his arms.
But as he tripped to my bed,
He tripped into the well instead,
And that wasn't just his pride that came to harm.

I met a man all on the beach one day,
He had skin like silk as on the sand we lay.
But before we got to sinnin'
The tide come running in.
And he turned into a seal and swam away.

So you can see that I am still intact,
Though that's certainly not effort that I lacked.
When I've rumpled up me gown,
The men have let me down.
And I just can't do it all on my own back.


SHE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS

My young love she say to me
My mother won't mind
And my father won't care for with drink he is blind
Then she staggered against me and this she did say
Oh it will not be long love, till they're open again

Then she swayed away from me
And she fell down the stairs
And dimly I heard her crash here and crash there
The she went her way homeward just one over the eight
And like the swan of the evening She fell into the lake

Last night she came to me
Dead drunk she came in
So softly she belched, I could scarce smell the gin
Then she leaned herself on me and this she did say
Oh it will not be long love 'till they're open again


SIDEWAYS

And now the end is nigh, our business soon will be completed,
But ere we say goodbye we've this to add, so please stay seated.
For we have hunted crabs, both from the shores and in the tideways,
But more, much more than that - we did it SIDEWAYS.

What is a man? What has he got?
If not eight legs, then he is not.
Whate'er his part in the creation,
Still he is not a true crustacean.
The way to tell is like ourselves - they do it SIDEWAYS.

Courgettes - we've had a few, but then again too few to mention
They taste of nought at all, and always give us indigestion.
So when we're in King's Lynn, where they are served in funny fried ways,
We snort 'Please pass the port' - and do it SIDEWAYS.

Once at a meal they gave us trout.
We ate it up and spat it out.
And though they stared and called us selfish
We would not eat what was not shellfish.
We could not stop, we had to hop - and did it SIDEWAYS.

They say a man must do what he must do - that's why we did it.
We've always hunted crabs, we're proud to say we never hid it.
We meet young ladies sweet, who try to tempt us in untried ways
But always love our wives - and do it SIDEWAYS.

And now the end has come...


SOUTHREPPS WASSAIL SONG

All on this pleasant morning from Southrepps come we
To ask a bag of sugar to sweeten our tea.
If you can't spare a bag, then a cupfull will do.
And if you can't spare that, well, bugger you.

The master of this house in his rusty old chain
Will stamp and swear and curse and he'll bitterly complain.
He'll say he's most offended with his house we're bein' so bold,
And if he had his way, we'd be left out in the cold.

The mistress of this house with her stockings all torn
Will rant and rave and curse the very hour we were born.
And then she'll fall asleep and loudly she will snore.
And when her body is at peace we hope her soul's at war

The daughter of this house is a proper little whore,
She's had all the blokes round here, and plenty more.
And all her little children round the table do go
Until they all get dizzy and fall down on the floor.

This house and this arbour are in disrepair.
I'd live all in my pigsty as soon as I'd live there.
Your men and your maidens are rolling in the dew,
Unless they all take care, they'll go down with the flu.

Bad luck to this household, the season begun.
Where you had ten apples, may you have one.
Now we'll come no more nigh you until the next year,
And the last thing we'll do is to wish you good cheer.


TRUNCH WASSAIL SONG

Here we come a wassailing all among the leaves
That isn't very easy when they're still all on the trees

Chorus
Wassail, wassail, we'll tell you wassail
That comes in bottles brown and pale
Comes in bottles, so bring some here
And we'll have a happy new year

Let us now be thankful that the old year has departed
But there's no time for feast before another one has started

Chorus

Now the year has passed away, cast away your sins
There's lots of lovely new ones as another year begins

Chorus

Pouring cider on the apple trees seems rather wrong
We'll drink it first and then we'll water the trees before too long

Chorus

Bring food from off your table and beer from out o' your barrel
For If you don't we'll stop and sing another ancient carol


THE VILLAGE PIMP

He's a man who takes a liberated view;
If you ask him he will fix a rendezvous,
If you'd like to spend a night of unparalleled delight.
Then he'll see you right, he is the village pimp,
The village pimp, The village Pimp,
The village P_I_M_P, pimples on the pimp.

La dee dah and Fall dee rall dee ray

There are rusty cars and worn out beds and tins,
And there are piles of rubbish thrown from peoples bins,
And there are dirty magazines and a tatty pair of jeans.
That's the eyesore of the village that's the dump.
The village dump, the village dump,
The village D_U_M_P, dump the rubbish dump.

Well there's a slummocking great mawther that we know,
As she walks along she wobbles to and fro,
Like a bus she's been designed and there's another one behind.
She is what the boys all call the village rump,
The village rump, the village rump,
The village R_U_M_P, blimey what a rump.

When he hobble through the village with a stick,
He's bent almost double, He can't move to quick.
In the belfry there he dwells where he swings among the bells,
He's the village Quasimodo with the hump.
The village hump, the village hump,
The village H_U_M_P, shoulders with a hump.

If the ministry of agriculture calls,
Requesting paperwork that drives you up the walls.
Don't get tied up like spaghetti just call for the Olivetti.
Of the girl who'll help you out the village temp.
The village temp, The village temp,
The village T_E_M_P temporary temp.

Well every Christmas time we book a bar and a band,
With a woman and a pint in either hand.
Well we must look a real sensation in our improper formation,
As we dance the light fantastic at the romp.
The village romp, the village romp,
The village R_O_M_P, stomping at the romp.

Well in the back room of the pub they whisper low,
'Bout something that our bobby'd like to know,
If he knew just what they got, then he'd confiscate the lot.
There's a new supply arrived the village hemp.
The village hemp, the village hemp,
The village H_E_M_P, the dopes have got some hemp.

The other day we met a certain VIP,
Who represents us on the EEC,
He drove a limousine such as we had never seen,
And impressed us with his circumstance and pomp.
The village pomp, the village pomp,
The village Euro MP, Pomp, pomp, pomp.



THE WILD MOUNTING TIME

Oh the Springtime that is coming,
And the girls are in a dither.
'Tis the Wild Mounting Time
And I am wondering whether

Do you go Lassie go
And will we go together
At the Wild Mounting Time
Or will I get Blooming Heather
Do you go lassie go?

My love is like a swan
With the lightness of its feather,
But her friend is like a goose
And they call her Bloomin' Heather

I will build my love a mower
And cut down that Bloomin' Heather
Then at the Wild Mounting Time
My love will be mine forever

If my truelove she won't go
Then I surely will not bother
For at the Wild Mountain Time
I could even fancy Heather.