From my posting to the Cheer Me Up thread on December 17, 1998...

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again!
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry;
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and
2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt a bunch.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at
the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
The blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid
to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's
so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to empty my bladder. By the time I got undressed, did my
thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he's too busy. I know the guy
is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me
to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the one who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow. I know he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the blasted snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the white slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling
makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to hurt her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze, but
at least it is too cold to snow!!!!!!!!

December 28: Warmed up to above -30, still can't snow any more
though. Still snowed in and the wife is driving
me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for
a million dollars for the bump on his head.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
       ----------

alice in montana