Subject: DOD-12 days of Christmas


The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with
the Twelve Days of Christmas. Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process
of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the
partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The
Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of
responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank
sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this
joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims
responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps
team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that
turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of refererence
are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate
Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from
the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an
acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the
contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a
small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold
plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been
initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However,
the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a
mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former
Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to
get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on
hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the
washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking
training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit
against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of
the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been
halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members
claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as
they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by
terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue
operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a
"NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on
time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim
due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in
process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are
available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an
RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds
will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high
OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current
readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.