THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLIE
Written by Bernard Wrigley, better known as the Bolton Bullfrog

Gas man, coal man, water board, and bloke who mends the telly,
They're all the same to Harold's wife, the famous Knocking Nellie.
She handles all her creditors. For years she's had no bills,
But of Harrys, Joes and Teddy boys, I know she gets her fill.

Last week when Harold's out at work, she's upstairs with a bloke.
He's a football pools collector and he's Nellie's latest poke.
She's got his vest and trousers off. She's asking him for more,
But then she hears her husband dear come walking in the door.

She bungs her lover in wardrobe door and then she shouts, "Oh, crumbs!"
For hanging out of the wardrobe door were the pools collector's plums.
Then Harold he came up the stairs and says, "Now, hello, dear.
The boss gave me the day off work—and what's these dangling here?"

Well Nellie's seen this all before and a very good tale she tells:
"For I've just been out shopping and I've bought these couple of bells,
But they're not of the ringing kind. In fact, they're just a joke."
So Harold lifts his finger up and gives the bells a poke.

Now Harold keeps on poking and agrees the bells are dead,
And the bloke inside the wardrobe's going a funny shade of red.
Harold said the bells'll ring if he hits them with a hammer,
And Nellie sitting on the bed can hardly raise a stammer.

Now Harold clouts 'em once or twice but still the bells won't ring.
Then he raises up his hammer just to have one final swing.
He swore to make the bells go "ding". By George, he wasn't wrong,
For bloke inside the wardrobe cried, "For Christ's sake, ding, ding, dong!"


There are two more songs about knocking Nellie which are truly disgraceful and luckily I don't know them. However Bernard Wrigley has a web site and has written a book with these songs included so a visit is a must for lovers of humour.

The Fantum