Interestingly enough, I had just mentioned elsewhere that it is so damn cold here that the balls had fallen off my brass monkey and the chimp was a goner. I summarily received the following from Brother Dave Swan who seems to have turned over my name and monkey situation to a friend in the business. His letter to me follows:

Dear Mr. Patterson,

Anent the recent misfortune of your monkey, we are pleased to offer another in our line of fine brass ornament maintenance products. As a past consumer of our line, we hope you will be able to make good use of our Barometrically Activated Lined Loins Cradle And Testicular/Crotch Heater, we call it BALLCATCH.

As the barometer falls, this supporter shaped device rises from its attractive brass base, gently engaging your monkey's manhood. The lined cup (available in Polarfleece, shearling, or ranch raised mink) gently insulates the entirety of your primate's privates until a high passes through, causing the cup to retract.

The exterior of the cup may be decorated with your house number, your favorite team's logo, or the Patterson family crest for a small additional charge.

110v power supply required for heater and deployment motors.

Please indicate your choice of sizes below:

Golden Tamarind Monkey: Our smallest, suitable for accountant, laywer, and folk music pedant monkeys, ie; Conrad Bladey.

Howler Monkey: Suitable for most folk singer monkeys (available with optional Neil Young attachment).

Oh My God Gorilla: Suitable only for the members(so to speak)of LFPS. We've found it takes balls to charge for what they do.

Best wishes

V.S. Deferenz
V.P. Marketing Dep't

I'm thinking of ordering the OMGG model........

Spaw