Jessica Kingsley published "An asperger marriage" last year. It's by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker. He's the one with Aspergers. I bought it having heard them discussing it on the radio. My wife and I both agreed I had a lot in common with the man! It's not as good a book as it could have been but it certainly gives insights. Do these points ring any bells folks?

GISELA
"It is the individuality, the lack of a need to conform to some male norm that is one of the Asperger man's strengths. Chris does not seem to understand prejudice, let alone show it; to discriminate on the grounds of gender, race, disability or sexual preference would be an illogical and moral anathema to Chris. To show disgust at someone's perceived (by Chris) untidy or raucous behavior, however, is perfectly justifiable to him, even if it does cause an uproar."

"..he has a good memory for words and a fascination for language structure"

"Chris enjoyed being part of a group, but always seemed to sit..on the edge"

"...we would often walk in silence, and I used to drop back to see how far ahead he would walk before he noticed he was alone. It was often two or three hundred yards.."

"people with Aspergers are far more likely to read non-fiction than fiction"

"he seems to be anxious about unexpected interactions with people he does not know"

"Chris finds small talk very dificult.."

"he finds it painfully difficult to understand other people in a setting where there is a lot of background noise.."

"..even a fairly small dinner party is..exhausting for Chris..on occasions he gives up and disappears.."

CHRIS
"I wanted mostly not to have to sit with anyone to eat or generally to interact at all. I found these times particularly irritating.."

"I've heard people say that they don't like small talk. Nevertheless after so many years of watching people indulge in it, I'm sure that it's essential to oil the wheels of human interaction. Only in my case not only do I not like it, I feel that I'm completely at a loss for an appropriate subject..there is a whole world of inconsequential conversation I'm missing out on...I wish I could partake...in some situations I often feel that I'm watching myself trying to deal with it.."

"I will know within less than a minute of entering a house or room whether or not I'm going to find it a comfortable or uncomfortable experience."

"One specific problem which I know affects me is that in a noisy environment I find it almost impossible to separate the sound of someone's voice from the background noise..this just adds to the general level of distress and anxiety which these social situations produce..it is impossible to concentrate on something, regardless of its importance, in a very noisy environment."

"Social occasions..are things to be endured rather than enjoyed."

I know most people would see aspects of themselves in these quotes. But for some, and I include myself in this, these traits can become crippling. My dear friend Rick Fielding has had the experience of having me stay with him and has seen the distress trying to find somewhere quiet to eat causes me, distress that builds until I just have to flee the situation. (Both he and Heather were brilliantly understanding). I have eaten in restaurants with earplugs firmly in place and travel with them handy all the time. The paradox is that someone who can feel so trapped in social interactions can get up on a stage and "control" audiences of hundreds of people. I read as many biographies and autobiographies of all sorts of performers as I can, and the nearest I can get to it is that so many explain it as "putting the performer on and taking the performer off when the performance is over".

Next time you find someone "difficult" it may help to try to understand that they might be finding what you find easy quite terrifyingly daunting. P