Latest alert from Our President at www.whitehouse.org:

PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT URGING CESSATION OF PUBLIC HYSTERIA IN THE FACE OF AMERICA'S CERTAIN ANNIHILATION BY NUKE POX

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I wanted to take a moment to address the citizens of the great and correctly-voting red states of America. Let me not to be mincing up words and be all plain like the way folks talk and just come out and say what needs saying, because ladies and gentlemen, it's High Noon, you know?

Now don't panic, but unless you've been blacked out at the bottom of a pony keg of Buckler, you know we're on HIGH ALERT - which basically means: we're flat-out fucked. And by we, I mean most of you - and not the denizens of the Team Bush Mega-Impenetrable Luxury Bunker.

Yes, any second now, your face is gonna start bubbling and dripping off your chattering skull - all because the French and the Democratic Party of Al Qaeda Gore turned this once-mighty nation into such a preening sissy, that all those 80's movies like Red Dawn and Invasion U.S.A. have already started happening in the real world.

That's right. This threat of war and terrorism and the nukyular anthrax mustard-bombing of your local Red Lobster (a CIA-confirmed A-list target) will not be over anytime soon. Especially not before November 2, 2004.

That said, in accordance with newly minted FEMA procedures, I want to reiterate the importance of assembling an EMERGENCY DISASTER KIT that includes three day's supply of water, food, batteries, a portable radio, duct tape, plastic sheets, aloe vera handi-wipes, a chemical shower, a home pharmacy of 5000mg Ciprol IV's, thyroid-protecting tinfoil turtlenecks, the complete books-on-tape version of the New Testament as read by Charlton Heston, a chainsaw, sawed-off shotgun, and if you can, a private island in the South Pacific.

For additional helpful information and great deals on disaster supplies, please patronize the official sponsors of the 2003 Terror Panic: HOME DEPOT and LOCKHEED MARTIN.

Going forward, it's important to remember that besides the Mohammedan savages and nuke-happy Orientals and those hell-bound atheist Soviets, America's one true threat still comes from the anti-war Democrats indigenous to coastal Sodom and Gomorrah-like enclaves, where they rut in filth, liberal multiculturalism, and vulgarity - clutching lewdly-shaped cannabis suppositories inside their fetid and bleeding rectums while hot-gluing copies of Catcher in the Rye into King James Bibles for deceitful sale to ignorant once-and-future Christian converts, all the while calling up Middle America-hating Arab madmen and promising them baby oil backrubs and a freebie shot at their daughter's hymens like the cowardly Nantucket Nectar-drinking, Cherry Garcia-eating hippy abortions they are.

These are the end times, my friends. But we will prevail. And if all goes to plan, these end times will, well, have no end! HAR! HAR! HAR!

Darn it, skunks and all, did I talk my think again?