This is a version from Lancashire comedian/singer Bob Williamson. This is credited to Bob on the LP notes but there may have been some input from Les Barker. I'll have to check this out.

WESTHOUGHTON DORIS(El Paso)

Out in the Lancashire Town of Westhoughton
I fell in love with a Lancashire girl
Night time would find me in Ernshaw's canteena
She made my head spin and my beans on toast curl

Blacker than night were the eyes of my Doris
Dark was her hair and her breasts were so white
So soft and warm and by heck they were big uns
A pale shade of white like wet tripe in moonlight

One night a big tram conductor came in
Suffering from Westhoughton wind
An ugly big bloke who was drinking his cocoa
With Westhoughton Doris the girl that I loved

So in anger I challenged his right to a drink of her cocoa
Stood on his toast and his plum marmalade
And with all the finesse of a kung fu instructor
I hit the big sod on the head with a spade

Out of the backdoor of Ernshaw's I ran
Right to the bicycle shed
I took a Suzuki – belonged to a bookie
Thank you Gus Demmy I thought as I fled
Just as fast as I could from the Lancashire town of Westhoughton
Out to the badlands beyond Stalybridge

Back in Westhoughton my life would be worthless
Everything gone in life nothing is left
It's been so long since I tasted the cocoa
Of Westhoughton Doris I'm very bereft

Got on my bike and away I did ride
Stopped once or twice for a wee
Tomorrow I'd die for an old chip shop pie
Two pennorth of peas and a hot cup of tea

And at last here I am on the hill overlooking Westhoughton
I can see Ernshaw's canteena below
My love is strong and it carries me onwards
Back to the best buttered barmcakes I know

Stood in my way I see ten tram conductors
All six foot nine stood in their stockinged feet
If they could catch me then they would soon sell me
To the local pie factory as a big lump of meat

We'll cave your head in right down past your brain
They swore by good Greenall's beer
Then all of a sudden a dirty black pudding
Caught one conductor behind his left ear

Oh it's Westhoughton Doris she's there with her pudding bombardment
Saving my life with her own recipe
Cowardy custards them big tram conductors
Left me and Doris and went home for tea

So at last I'm alone with my Westhoughton Doris
Her cocoa's the sweetest that money can buy
Her breasts are so warm and by heck they are big uns
I'm happy with Westhoughton Doris – Oh aye!