ALTERNATIVE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PLAN FOR RURAL RESIDENTS

As ingenious as Tar Heel's plan is, it plainly will only work in urban or suburban settings. Those of us who live in the country, where the population density is not sufficient to have an adequate parade of naked women, must adopt a secondary plan of action.

Country residents should release all of their livestock from their pens and other enclosures and allow them to roam freely for a day. At the end of that day, any men that are found wandering around in close proximity to the hindquarters of a female quadraped, particularly those of a goat and do not turn out to just be your cousin Bubba practicing animal husbandry again, may be assumed to be terrorists. Turn them over to the proper authorities before Luke decides to try out his new Mini-14 on them.

Bruce