I just spent a lovely evening... my neighbor on the other side of a shared wall decided to hang himself. Right by the front door where his girlfriend could walk in on him when she got home. Poor girl! She totally lost it!

I learned quite a few things tonight.

I have amazing neighbors -- so many people were there to help, and dozens came running when she started screaming. I learned that at least some of my local sheriff's are pretty amazing, too, and they and the ambulance showed up in about 7 minutes. Several hours too late; the man had been dead for a long time by the time she got home. And the chaplain was great.

I also learned that some of my neighbors couldn't handle the idea and quickly retreated to ther homes once they found out there was a dead body involved.

I learned that the fact that you're in your threadbare long johns running around outside sometimes doesn't mean a darn thing.

I learned that patting someone on the back and making consoling noises and hugging them is almost useless, but when Mom shows up and does the same thing it's perfect. (Call your mother and tell her you love her.) Nonetheless I'm exhausted from trying to absorb some of her grief and rage and self-recriminations. And too wound up to go to bed.

I also learned that at some point yours truly gets selfish enough to wonder when the hell everyone is going to go home and let me go to bed after 6 hours of coroners and chaplains and sheriff's deputies traipsing in and out of my house. And WHO left skid marks and stunk up the bathroom that bad?! Such little whiny things to be worried about... er, I think that probably negates any karma brownie points I might have tallied up for making her go to my house and volunteering to have everyone over.

The worst of it is that I simply don't understand how one could be so shallow and selfish to kill themselves in a way that was going to cause the most pain to the one closest to them. He'd planned it for days (as the story came out, this way clear) -- how could he not plan to do it somewhere less... damaging? I can understand suicide; I can't understand this. Was it a last attempt to hurt the world that he felt so hurt by?

The things you learn -- she told me that he liked to listen to me practice. I had no idea.