G'day, mates. Aussie Jeff here. I'm your semioffical spokesbloke for the penal colony of Australia.

Look's like my mate Gil stirred up a bit of a fracus over here

It's my job to explain why 500 Orange County high school marching band members were "disinvited" from the 2000 Olympic Games by a country whose cultural calendar include an annual dynamite-throwing contest.

First, though, let me crack open my fifth Foster's Lager of the morning and finish my breakfast dingo.

Beaut! That's good dingo. It always tastes better when you beat it to death with your own hands.

Awwl right, then. Now, for the band controversy:

As was reported, roughly 500 high school band members in O.C. (and 1,300 nationwide) are bloody unhappy after being invited to the Sydney Olympics, then being disinvited because they're Americans.

Nine months of band practice and fund-raising is down the counterclockwise-rotating drain. Whatta bloody disappointment!

I even received an e-mail from a frustrated 14-year-old trumpet player, Robert Wood of El Dorado High School in Placentia, who inquired: "Since you lived through the '70s, I would like to know if you have any advice for me on how to annoy the Olympic Committee."

Well, mate, as someone who knows a thing or two about the '70s and nonsequiturs I can confirm that if the situation were reversed, here in Australia we'd marinate the whole lot in Vegemite and toss 'em on the barbie.

But since the situation isn't reversed, I ask for your patience and understanding.

I also ask you not to fixate on the fact that I have a large beer funnel in my pants.

Speaking on behalf of the Australian nation, I would only add the following:

Only a bushwhacking drongo wouldn't give away his billabong for a hoon spat. Dinky di.

(Translation: Only a fool lacking in social graces would concede his dry riverbed to a delinquent sausage. Really.)

The point, I think, is that Australia isn't evil or necessarily anti-American. It just wants to show the world that Australia, despite being legally drunk and generally on fire, is quite capable of fielding its own marching band — unless NATO intervenes.

I mean, how bad could an Australian marching band be?

Imagine a thousand high-stepping Australians in short pants, not counting kangaroos and emus, blowing on termite-hollowed tree branches known as didjeridoos, to the stirring strains of "Waltzing Matilda" and "Down Under" by Men at Work.

OK, bad.

On that note, let's pause for an Australian Fun Fact: Me own mum just bit off me left ear in a rugby scrum. And the thing is, it don't even hurt. Dinky di!

In further fairness to the jilted American musicians, I do understand why they're so disappointed about not being able to come to Australia. After all, there's so much to see and do. There's the Opera House in Syndey. And the Sydney Opera House. Did I mention the Opera House? It's in Sydney.

Plus there's the chance Rupert Murdoch could walk up to you at any time and buy your soul.

Another must-see is Ayers Rock, which is listen closely, mates, because this gets tricky a rock.

Of course, if you ever make it down this way and I sincerely hope you do I hope you'll take advantage of the truly best Australia has to offer:

New Zealand.

G'day.

Jeff Kramer at JeffK@link.freedom.com.