So many disasters! So little time!

Keeping in mind, that many's the time I've been able to turn chicken feathers into chicken salad (or even cacciatore)...there still were several memorable moments....

"The great "SAUSAGE MASACREE" of 1983 (where I actually threw the whole friggin' mess out the window) was an anomaly. I mean, what can ya do to ruin sausages? (Try a 'cream sauce'!!) I'd seen this on the Galloping gourmet....before he got religion, and became health-conscious). The dinner was for my ex and her new beau. Great embarrassment!


The "SPAM ATTACK" (served as a joke to my new wife Heather, who said that in Glasgow,
Spam was actually considered a 'foodstuff') was unfortunate I admit. I really should NOT have
looked closely at it. Ten to one if I'd looked the other way AND held my nose while eating it,
the whole "vomit thing" would NOT have happened.


The "Hot Chili" incident could have happened to anybody. The damn top from the dried chili
peppers simply came off. What the hell was I supposed to do? Hunt around spooning flakes out,
or chucking an otherwise great-looking chili in the garbage? Most of our guests recovered, and we didn't need that cat anyway.

The SALMON "SANGWICH" situation. Heather's dad, Thomas Docherty of Hamilton Scotland, was visiting, and naturally I was trying to create a good impression. He asked for a sandwich (sangwich, the way he pronounced it) and I suggested, peanut butter, or cheese. I'm not sure he knew what "Skippy" even was, but he was horrified to find that the only cheese we had was Kraft chemical squares. To be fair, I imagine that 'cheese sangwich' in Scotland probably means a huge hunk of cheddar slathered with Branston pickle placed between two chunks of bread cut off from a loaf with your pen-knife.
My last hope was a can of salmon. "och aye, that'll be fine", he says. No sooner had I mixed in the Miracle whip, green relish, and paprika, then he stared bug-eyed at the concoction! "Oh Rick, ye won't be able to taste the salmon with that muck in there"!!
Perhaps I thought that was the idea.
I quickly drove him to the grocery store to buy PROPER 'sangwich' fixins'.

He purchased: Fish paste (?!) Sardines, and two big muther-friggin' ONIONS!

If only I'd known.

Rick