Liturgical details: an acolyte who is sure she can do nothing right (and tells everyone this) can actually be the most graceful one of the bunch, and the sweetest, especially when she pours wine all over the priest's hand instead of the water. However the priest himself can top her story, having stomped HIS priest's little priesty-hat one day accidentally right in the middle of mass, and had the BALLS to punch it back to shape before he spotted the dent, and hand it back to the priest with perfect acolytish correctness at the end of the mass at the grand exit.

Also, if you are going to fall right into the open grave on a rainy (muddy) day, at least do it at the very first funeral you conduct. That way it gets the suspense over with early in one's career. I know of two who have done this.

Clergy-feeding: Fat. Lots of fat, for fast energy and good sleeping. And on Good Friday-- RARE roast "trout." Delmonico if no sirloin tip roast of "trout" available. Do this and your priest is still alive at the end of Easter Day.

Hmmmm......... Do not wear a priest's collar to the hospital unless you ARE a priest... or unless you know how to give Last Rites properly when desperate women garbed all in black grab you in the hallway. Oh yeah.

The parish secretary is ALWAYS right.

~Susan