The world desperately needs a romantic film melodrama about the adventures of the plucky and beauteous Ms Penelope Rutledge (Twillingsgate's most desirable Lady Fair), the darkly dangerous Winston-Wellington Jones (the murderous aristocrat), and the dashing upstart Oakley (hairy but sincere farmer & fiddle player), with cameo appearances by Malcom Buggeroll (the perverted "Poet of the Highlands"). I get breathless just thinking about the possibilities! I think it would make a very good BBC weekly series too, for a run of at least five years.

Rumours are that Ms Rutledge has been slipping off to Hull regularly... Oh, my! It must be an interest in traditional music that has her so engaged.

Miss "Q"