Thanks both of you.

Masato, is there any chance you could turn it into singable Japanese? Since we're getting married at Japanese Baptist (where we've both been attending services, she in English and I in both languages), I'd like as much of the service's content as feasible to be available in Japanese (as well as English and Esperanto, and less urgently Russian).

For what it's worth, although Fickert preserves a bit more of the rhyme scheme, I think my version is much the better poem (though there's room for improvement; I'd particularly like to do something about "tight", which I think subverts the ethos).

Haruo