I don't think physical disability equates to needing phone sex or other e-sex.... relationships in the flesh are not precluded, and a dependence on sex or friendship at a distance probably calls for some tough thinking to sort out. I wonder sometimes how many of us beat up on our MudPal Matt for what we were doing, ourselves, possibly to an even greater degree.

There are a lot of things that "seem" to make sense at the time, that with hindsight, don't make quite so much sense. I was, for all practical purposes, homebound for two years. My cyberfriendships were intense but not sexual (although there were temptations). The funny thing is, I thought I really needed those cyberpals at the time, and I can see that I was doing the best I could.... but I can also see the number of people accessible to me IRL who would have been only too glad to come see me.... I kept them from doing that, because at the time there was a bunch of stuff I had not worked through about closeness in general. And because my e-life was full I did not have to notice the need to work on that, for a long time.

Some of the time spent in the e-world may have helped me work through these issues, but if I had given in to the addictive pull of these relationships, and stayed stuck there, I'd have been giving up on myself.

There was one friendship in particular that I could have given up much sooner than I did, in favor of real-life activities; I'd have gotten well a year sooner if I had done that when I realized how much of the good stuff was tied up in the addictive side of it. While I do not beat myself up over it, I wish I had that year back, and that I was a year farther along in rehab than I am now. Because from hindsight I can see what it cost me, I recognize the addictiveness of closeness at a distance and do not regret breaking it.

I believe people are always donng the best they actually can at any given moment-- if they could do something different, of COURSE they would. But I also have seen, as a counselor, how many people carry recordings of things such as powerlessness and hopelessness, which lead them to not always expect as much of themselves as might move them forward faster.

~Susan